The beginning of the end

Kela won't help me. Unless I find a job in the next few weeks I think it's all over. I'll do any work, I don't care. The idea of going home is hell. It's the last thing I want. I have a nice place to live, I have good friends, and I like things just the way they are. Going back to live with my parents would be the biggest anti-climax I could imagine, it's so unpleasant to me that I can scarcely accept it. It's not them, it's the fact that I've been independent for almost four years and I hate the city they live in. I'd do anything to avoid it.
I've applied to the tourist place, and to a souvenir shop near to my house, other people are trying to come up with ideas for me, and I'm willing to do just about anything. I don't need the best paid job on the planet, just enough to pay my rent and keep me where I want to be. I'm in a constant state of panic right now. I'll take any bullshit cleaning job, looking after kids, wiping an incontinent old woman's arse - it really doesn't matter. Selling paintings doesn't make enough money; I get some extra cash out of it but I can't pay my rent with it. If anyone knows of any solid opportunities, please tell me. I'm pretty desperate right now. I can't cope with the idea of leaving.

Moving forward

I'm currently looking into finding my own place to live, which would be really nice to have, but it looks like for a few days I'll be staying in a hostel or hotel, because someone (haha guess who) is making things difficult again. I realise a lot of people will think it's ridiculous, and I have questioned why I'm prepared to go through so much hassle to stay here. I'm sure that if my mother knew about all of this she'd be dragging me back to England herself, and I expect a few other people would share the sentiment. I know why I'm doing this. For a long time I've had my entire life controlled by another person, someone who even admits that I deserve better, and yet makes no attempt to change. So although it might be easier to just leave I'm feeling too defiant to do that. Some of my friends would rather I came home, my father has been of that opinion since day one, and a couple of times I've even wondered what the hell I'm thinking. I'm angry, and I'm refusing to let anyone tell me what is best for me. I've had 18 months of being told what was best for me, but it was never my best interests at heart. I'm going to do exactly what I want, even if it's more difficult, expensive, or risky. I just don't care.
Coming here in the first place was a risk, but obviously I had no idea that things would turn out in such an unfortunate way. Now I want to be here, and the fact that a couple of people want me to come home, even though I'm sure their opinions are based on concern for me and nothing else, makes me more determined and defiant. Also, the easiest way is not necessarily the best way. I'd rather be happy, and ending up living with my parents until autumn would not make me happy. I'd be fucking miserable. This is where I want to be, not forever, but for now at least. I came here, and it doesn't matter why, when or how, what matters to me is that I should get something out of this experience. It's a huge opportunity, and why would I give that up to go work a bullshit temporary job in England? There's so much I want to do. I want to conquer this language one way or another, I want to go to Norway to visit one of my friends who's studying in Bergen for a year, I want to go to Muumimaailma, I want to go to Stockholm, I want to see some other places in Finland...there's a lot of things that would be worth staying for.
Someone told me that if they'd had to put up with the crap I've experienced in the past few months they would have run home crying to their mother long ago. This was not said in a disrespectful way - I think they were trying to say that I was strong for getting through it. I don't think that at all, I think I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and that's the only reason why I haven't done the same thing. Being stubborn and determined is the root of this. Why the hell should I give up just because things didn't go exactly to plan? Plus it's about time I got to do something purely for myself, and not allow anyone else's thoughts to sway me. The time to leave is when I feel ready to and I genuinely want to, not when someone else tells me I should. I'm a bit scared, but that doesn't mean I should give up. The inconvenience of it all annoys me, but hell, life is pretty inconvenient at times. I'm used to inconvenience. I don't expect everyone to agree with me on this but I hope that my friends continue to support and encourage me.
I'm sorry, I'm exhausted, angry and I've had too many bottles of ED.

First language class

Today, on the second attempt I managed to get to my language class successfully. I was extremely nervous but everything went fine. The teacher is great, and spent a long time trying to guess which country I came from because my strange name was confusing her. She was very surprised that I'm English. I'd guess that most people in the class are older than me, but everyone seems very encouraging towards each other, helping each other to get the answers, and the class has a nice atmosphere.
Luckily I was able to keep up with everyone else quite well, despite missing all of the classes last week. I wasn't the only person who joined today, and that made me feel better. I was a bit scared when the teaching method turned out to be asking different people questions in front of everyone, and I was included just the same as everyone else. I managed to answer everything, and understood things most of the time, so I'm glad I'm not very far behind the rest of the group. Today was mainly about numbers, most of which I already knew anyway, so I coped well.
I was really anxious about going there today, but there was no need because the class was quite relaxed. I'm hopeful that this will help me out and make me more confident. I'm glad I'm doing it.
Currently I'm drinking Lämmin Kuppi Strawberry and Vanilla soup. Is it soup, juice or tea? I was very sceptical about sweet soup, but I'm rather enjoying it now. It's nice to have something warm and comforting after coming inside from cold, sludgy weather.
Finally, as of Saturday, Turku is the European capital of culture for 2011. Very exciting. Suski and I meant to go to the opening show, but we spent too long getting ready and then missed the whole thing. It's quite cool though, because there will hopefully be some special art events going on throughout the year, which would be really interesting for me to see, and really make this year even better for me.
http://www.turku2011.fi/

Where was I at midnight?

Drinking Kulta Lonkero and sledding in the park!
I spent a couple of hours in the park, going down a hill with a sled/black bin bag. At first I was quite scared because it looked very fast, bumpy and scary, but ultimately I manned up. It was so much fun! The hill had a few bumps which were quite fun to go over, and we went down quite fast. The snow manages to get everywhere and freeze everything, such as sleeves and hair. I also got a lot of snow in my eyes.
I enjoyed it, and I probably would never have done it if I hadn't been here, and that makes me very glad that I am. I guess I was also having a very Finnish experience, seeing as this is something normal to do for both Finnish children and adults, but I had never done it before. In Plymouth you'd never really get the chance, but it's never come up in other places either. It really was a good night though, and a change from just going to a bar all the time. The downside was how frozen we ended up; it was extremely uncomfortable. Getting back inside and getting some warm clothes was such a relief. I'd definitely like to go sledding again though.

I suck at going to language classes

I've enrolled on a language course. I should have started tonight. The place where I thought the class was really wasn't it. After wandering around feeling very confused and useless for a while, and being directed to the information desk, which very helpfully shut at 3pm, 5 hours before everything else, I found a sign with the correct information for my class. Seeing as the address meant nothing to me I guess tonight is a write-off. It's quite stupid that of the three classes for this course, only one is in that place, which I believe to be their main building, but they didn't think it was worth mentioning where the other classes were.
The classes are every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday; they started this week and now I'm really scared that when I do get there everyone else will be jibjabbing away in amazing Finnish, whilst I sit there saying "Minä olen Englantilainen" over and over again and banging my head against the wall. There's apparently a textbook I need too - maybe if I buy it at the weekend and read the whole thing before Monday I'll stand a fighting chance.
So right now the työväenopisto is not my favourite thing. Not only for completely failing to mention at any time where this class is but for the fact all their correspondence to me and their website is in Finnish. If I understood all of that I wouldn't have signed up for "Finnish for Foreigners" would I? Wankers.

Yoofs

The teenagers here scare me a bit. They're all a bit loud and lairy. I expect many of them just discovered alcohol. They tend to sing and shout and spit and dance. That's not so different to the English kids, maybe it's more intimidating when they're gabbling away in foreign.
When I was in the line at Hesburger tonight there were three boys, who were probably only 13 or 14, and I'm not sure why they were there because they made no attempt to get food, but they were noisy and it was a bit horrible. One of them liked to spit on the ground a lot. Fucking teenagers.

Miserable day

Today's been shit. I feel a rant coming on. It's the first day I've really felt homesick, for my friends and my family. When I got the sim card yesterday I really wanted to call my mum and one particular friend, but it still isn't working now. Jussi gave me his phone to speak to my mum. I haven't lived within 200 miles of her for more than 3 years now, but we usually speak every week or so, so I've missed talking to her. As it's so expensive the phone call was short anyway.
I wish I could meet someone familiar or go somewhere where I know exactly what I'm doing, but everything's alien to me. Jussi's friends have all been very nice to me and made me feel welcome, but they're not MY friends. I completely understand how he felt in England when he wanted to have his own friends, not just rely on mine.
I don't think Jussi realises that going to shops etc still makes me feel quite uncomfortable and I'd appreciate some back up. I don't think he considered how much he would need to help me before we came here. It's hardly as if I want to feel like a child all the time. Of course I want some independence. I do try, but I'm scared and I'm shy. At least when he came to England he could already communicate with everyone; I think he's forgotten what it was like to be in a strange country where everything is new and confusing.
He got a job today, which is great, obviously, but he seems to think I won't be able to cope once he has that taking up so much of his time. Now he's put doubts in my mind, even though I had no concerns beforehand. I'm now trying to make the point to him that I am capable of doing things, even though I'm anxious. I've really been dragged down today; I feel like absolute shit.
I would hate to leave Turku, and I really don't want to quit and be a failure. It seems like no one, including myself, has much faith in my capabilities. I have to go to the police station tomorrow to sort out my social security, and I told Jussi I'd go on my own to prove a point, but I'm absolutely terrified. I'm not even sure what I'm so scared of, apart from the unknown. I don't think that I'm being unreasonable to expect his help in his country. He certainly expected mine in England.
I really hope that things feel different tomorrow, that my sim card works and that I can actually speak to English people. Elisa (the phone network) won't allow you to take out a contract unless you've lived in Finland for at least two years, so Jussi had to do it for me and is lauding the cost of international calls over me a bit. I don't know why it didn't occur to him yesterday that I'd be making international calls - who the hell am I gonna call in Finland? He knows I'll be giving him the money for everything, so surely it's my problem. As I have no money and he's complaining about the phone it's just another thing to wind me up and upset me. I really want tomorrow to be a better day because I'm so miserable and fed up now. This has been the worst day since I got here.

Urgh part 2...and cute animal stories!

Animal story 1: I saw a dog take a piss on a hospital. But he was wearing a flourescent yellow doggy coat with a paw print on it! Eeek!
Animal story 2: When we were walking in the park this evening I saw a wild hare run across the path.

Still feeling a bit rubbish. I wonder if I'm just not making enough effort, whether I'm being unreasonable to expect Jussi to babysit me all the time. He encourages me to do things for myself, but I'm scared and embarrassed all the time, so I only want to go out if he is with me. Maybe I need to man up a bit. I have to learn somehow.
Tomorrow he has a job interview so I think whilst he is out I'm going to do something/go somewhere on my own. Even if it's just going to the park to sketch, at least then I'm doing something on my own and not being so reliant on him. Maybe a baby step like that will make me feel braver and it won't be such a big deal when I need to go to a shop or do something that involves speaking to another person. I can't stay this clingy and scared, because what will I do when he does get a job? I can't just stay indoors all day until he comes home. Tomorrow is going to be man up day. A nice trip to the park isn't scary. Unless the hare tries to kill me...

Urgh...

This is the Market Square in Turku. It's 30 seconds walk from our house, so this is the only place I'm all that familiar with. It's pretty much the center of Turku, where most of the shops are, including Stockmann, the big department store. We're really lucky to be so central. At the opposite end of our road is a big park and the art gallery of Turku, which apparently has the second most valuable collection in Finland. I can't wait to go there.

After several days of eating pretty much nothing except frozen pizzas, due to our complete lack of cooking utensils, I insisted we buy a frying pan or saucepan. So I've just eaten a huge stir fry, and you have no idea how awesome that is when you're faced with so much pizza. I never want pizza again.
Today we finally got round to trying to set up benefits. Although I really didn't get far because I need to go to the police and another agency to register for a social security number before I'm entitled to benefits. They made me an appointment for 2 weeks time, when I should get my language course arrange and hopefully get some money.
It's been a bit shit today. I feel so confused all the time, I barely know my way around, I don't understand anything. It freaks me out. The cost and effort of getting here is what puts me off leaving. I like our home, and I do like Turku very much - it's like a smaller, quieter Helsinki, but there's still plenty happening. This is an adventure, and I know there's bound to be ups and downs, but today is definitely a down day. I just don't feel good. Maybe I'm just fed up with feeling stupid and scared and confused. It's inevitable that I feel like that, but it's hard when you're used to being able to read street signs and buy things in the shop without being compeltely lost the whole time. I don't feel very confident here. Maybe I should be trying harder, or worrying less, or something.
On some days I feel really great here, and I'm becoming more comfortable here. On days like today I feel like this is impossible to get through. I have no desire to go back to England, but I'm lost a lot of the time. It's a shame my appointment is in 2 weeks; it means I can't get started on the lanaguge course as quickly as I'd like to.
I guess there's a lot to take in here - everything is new, even the language, the food, the way the traffic lights work...it's a lot to get my head around. These feelings are probably normal in my position, but that still doesn't make it very pleasant.

Yksi olut, kiitos

I've been out tonight and ordered all of my drinks in Finnish! Which is definitely an achievement. I fooled 5 bar staff. By the way, the title of this post is "One beer please..." That's how Finnish I am.
Maybe this is just a drunken bad mood rant but I'm gonna do it anyway...
This sounds retarded, especially as I've wanted to move abroad since I was a teenager, but everything here is so foreign! I know that's obvious, but I'm having such a hard time because I don't understand shop signs, products in the supermarket or the language generally. Even the doors have strange locks on them that confuse me, and the traffic being on the wrong side confuses me too. Also many Finnish people seem to have a lovely habit of continuing to speak to me in Finnish, even when I've made it clear that I don't understand. It's not that they can't speak English, they just don't want to. After all, this is apparently quite a racist country. Jussi told me earlier that even though my spoken Finnish has an obvious foreign accent it's very fortunate that that accent is not Russian. I have no problem with Russians but the Finns certainly do.
I'm just a bit upset. It's early days and everything's brand new, so I probably shouldn't give up all hope just yet Also Jussi isn't being very sensitive to the fact that I'm confused, scared and disorientated. I think he's trying to encourage me to do things for myself, and therefore learn, but I just don't have the confidence yet.
This is a nice city, and I don't want to quit, but right now it feels very tempting. It's not that anyone's rude to me, I just feel freaked out all the time when I'm in public. I almost had an orgasm earlier when I manged to cross the road by myself! I really do want to learn Finnish too. It's always pissed me off when people come to England and make no effort to speak our language, so I really have no right to come here and not make an effort to speak their langauge. My Finnish is very limited so far, and I don't know how to write anything, only speak, but I'm proud that I'm trying, especially as it's a very complicated language.
I hope I'll feel better. I only got here 27 hours ago so I guess it's fair that I'm confused. I just feel so stupid and incompetent all the time. I don't want to give up and go home but I'm certainly tempted.