The end of year essay

I'm still shocked that it's all over, and I'm not quite sure how to put it all into words. I'm still trying to get accustomed to being back in England, I'm feeling very slow and tired, and still quite unhappy. Things are better than expected - I thought I'd be crying constantly at this point. Turku already feels so far away, even though I've been talking to my friends pretty much constantly since I left. Everything feels like maybe it was just a dream.
I look back on the past year with pride and happiness. I came through a lot of things, many of which were far too personal to write about here. As you all know, the circumstances in which I went to Finland were not the best, and when I think about it I realise more and more how utterly miserable I was a year ago. Being in Finland encouraged me to get my life back as I wanted it to be, and I certainly did do that!
Living in Finland was definitely not always straightforward. At times I was so scared I could have jumped on a plane home, so frustrated I could have killed someone, and so confused I just wanted to curl up and cry. However, I can say with absolute certainty that it was worth the trouble I endured. Although my memories of winter mainly consist of unhappiness, it wasn't too long before things turned around. It certainly wasn't easy, as I have stated before, but it worked out. I really think that one of the reasons this blog has become so popular is because I haven't pretended that everything was perfect all the time. I've been honest about the problems I've experienced, most of which are just an unavoidable part of immigration.
Despite these things, I've had the chance to learn so much, try many new things, and make wonderful friends, some of whom I cannot imagine my life without. On so many occasions I just stopped for a moment and thought of how amazing it all was. I think when I first arrived I didn't really believe I could make it through, but I did. I am a much stronger person today than I was when I went to Finland. I found so much happiness in Turku, even when things weren't quite going to plan. I've learned to look past the difficulties, and appreciate all the good things that there are. I really never thought that things would go so well for me, even though I often had to struggle through.
I have had so many wonderful new experiences in the past year; opportunities I would not have had in my own country. Not all of them were huge or significant, but they still mattered to me. Even things like trying a new food have their value. I'm so glad I got to travel a bit and see some new places, such as Tampere and Norway. I've learned so much about a foreign culture, which has been fascinating. Even though I've done many good things, I still feel there's more for me to do in Finland. I missed out on some things I hoped to do, due to time and money constraints. I never went to Sweden or Poland, and I never went to Muumimailmaa when it was actually open. But I will, I know I will, because I'll be back.
After a while I really felt at home in Finland, and on Monday I felt like I was leaving my home. It amuses me that I feel this way because on my first visit to Helsinki, two years ago, I didn't even like it much and suspected that I wouldn't return. How things have changed! Maybe I just needed to spend more time in the country, or maybe Turku is the place for me. There are so many people who are close to me in Turku, and a few in other places, and maybe that's why I was so comfortable. I'm impressed that I managed to find people who I got on with so well and became close to, considering the cultural and linguistic barriers. I have been extremely lucky.
Luck is definitely the overwhelming feeling for me. I feel lucky to have survived, to have received so much help, and to have been so fortunate. If I hadn't needed to leave now I doubt I ever would have.
I'm very much looking forward to the holidays I'll be taking in Finland in the coming year, and to moving back permanently next summer. I'm just going to keep working until that day comes. I think I'll be visiting Tampere and Turku in December, and I can't wait, even though it'll be dark and cold.
I think the whole experience was too immense to just describe here. I don't think I can really explain it all. However, I would encourage anyone who wants to do the same thing to just do it. Whichever country it is, however hard you think it'll be - just do it. There will be numerous difficulties, and you might think you'll go mad, but it is a hugely rewarding thing to do. My life is much richer for having had this experience, and has also improved immensely. I think it might actually have saved my life, although I never thought the effect on me would be so great. I have no regrets.

The last week

I cannot believe this is my last week in Turku, but at least I am having a wonderful time.
It started on Tuesday, when I got a lovely surprise in the evening. I was sitting outside a bar having a drink with Emmi, we were chatting normally, and she suddenly told me not to scream. I didn't understand what she meant, she looked away, and when I looked in the same direction my boyfriend was there walking towards us! He was meant to arrive on Wednesday morning but he decided to secretly come early, and Emmi was enlisted to get me in the right place at the right time. I was laughing hysterically for about 20 minutes! It was brilliant.
The next day I decided I'd like to have a long walk around the city to see some places that have been special to me. My boyfriend isn't very familiar with Turku so we both enjoyed it, and we walked for a couple of hours. We visited a couple of parks which I've spent time in, including one with views of all of Turku. I've written about going there several times, and it's a place I'm very fond of. We also walked past the house I lived in when I first came here, and alongside the river. As I was pointing things out to him I realised how many important places there are for me here, and how much I've done. It was a really nice thing to do whilst I still can.
We didn't do so much yesterday, except go shopping with Emmi, but tonight I'm having a leaving party. I hope I can see many of my friends over the weekend, and I'm looking forward to it.
I'm still sad to be going, and it hasn't quite sunk in yet, but there are a few positives. New people have moved into my house this week and it doesn't feel the same. One of my flatmates agreed, and she now wants to move out too. I don't mind leaving the house now. More and more i'm looking forward to getting back to my education; I'm definitely ready when it comes to that. I'm glad I have something to keep me busy in the coming year.
This might be the last entry I write whilst in Finland. When I get to England I will write something to try to sum up my feelings and experiences, and get started on a professional blog about my art practice. I hope my readers will take an interest in that too, as I'm planning to make work about people I know in Turku. I've decided that the Frozen in Finland Facebook page will remain, and contain more updates about the artwork. Hopefully no one will lose interest. Who knows, maybe when I come back here I'll resurrect this blog.

The alternative tour of Turku

On Thursday evening Toomas and one other friend took me on a sort of alternative tour around Turku, taking me to strange little places they spent time in when they were a bit younger, and that I'd never find otherwise. It was really cool - it gave me a different view of Turku, and I could see it from the perspective of someone who has grown up here and always lived here. That was a good opportunity for me.
Among the places we visited were more suburban areas, which I doubt I would ever have seen otherwise. I'm happy I got the chance to absorb a bit more of Turku and see some new things. I want to take in as much as I possibly can whilst I still have the chance, and this was a good way of doing it. Obviously, it was also nice to relax with some friends who I haven't seen for a few weeks. In the end we went back to Toomas's house, which is where I've spent an awful lot of weekends this summer. He lives near to St Michael's Church, which I'd never paid much attention to before, but I took a photo because I realised it's a really beautiful building. The park next to it is also very nice - we've spent a lot of time there too. I have a lot of memories in Turku now.
Last night I went for drinks with Heli and Iida, my flatmates. Iida is moving out tomorrow and will be going to Norway, plus I'm leaving, so it's a sad time for our household. We went back to The Hunter's Inn, the nice bar I mentioned previously. It wasn't even so expensive! I'm glad I'm spending lots of time with my friends now, whilst I still get the chance.

Moomin museum and other recent exploits

I've just come home from spending a few days visiting my boyfriend in Tampere. I had a nice time, but the greatest thing about my trip was that he took me to the Moomin Museum! He has just qualified as the world's best boyfriend.
We were very lucky - we turned up about 20 minutes before it was due to close, so the lady working there said we could go in without paying! We still managed to see most of the exhibits. It was lovely; I got to see some of Tove Jansson's original drawings. That was very interesting for me, not only due to the art side, but because I was raised on the Japanese Moomins cartoon on tv, and the style of that is very different to the original books. The originals are sometimes much darker and moodier. There were other items too, such as Moomins books in various languages and set-up scenes with the characters. I would really recommend the museum, especially to tourists, and I think it appeals to both adults and children.
We also went to some small, commercial art galleries, and saw some interesting pieces. Not all of the work was Finnish, but it was good to see. Aside from that we visited some parks and the Pyynikki area, where there's a beautiful forest and beach. Tampere seems to have a lot of lovely, natural areas, more than in the centre of Turku, even though there are plenty of parks here too.
Someone mentioned that Turku has a different atmosphere to many other places in this country, and having spent more time away from Turku I'm inclined to agree. At least during the summer it seems to be extremely lively - I've noticed so many street performers and music. I appreciate that, having a creative mindset, but I also really like Tampere. It seems a bit calmer than Turku. Maybe I'll even end up living there one day, but I'll see what happens. I find Finland as a whole appealing, and I'd still like to see more of it.
Aside from that, my suitcase has now been collected by the courier and will be off to England soon. It was very sad to start packing my life up and taking everything away, but it had to happen.
I'd also like to say now how grateful I am for all the lovely messages I've received recently wishing me luck for my return to England and complimenting me on my writing. I'm very appreciative, and don't worry, I'm still here for two weeks. After that we'll just have to wait and see...

Went to Tampere

I went to Tampere yesterday, which was lovely. I saw this church from the train, and wondered if I'd accidentally gone to St Petersburg. Oddly I didn't take many photos.
Tampere was very nice, and I thought it looked rather like Oslo, or at least the part of Oslo that I saw when I was there. There's a flower festival going on there at the moment, so there were lots of plants everywhere, which made it look beautiful. I liked Tampere better than Oslo, and it had a lot more interesting stuff there. Although it was nice, I still like Turku more. Turku gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling. I won't be running away to live in Tampere just yet.
Mainly we wandered around the streets, so I got a good feel for the place. We went on a big wheel in the kauppatori, but unfortunately phones/cameras were not permitted so I couldn't take any pictures of the lovely view.
I was told that every year students from Tampere go to Turku with shovels in an attempt to detach us from the rest of Finland. Disgraceful! Why would they want to get rid of the best part of this country?
We also went to a very nice park just outside of the center, where there was a beautiful lake, and some sort of botanical garden. It wasn't too busy; very peaceful and quiet.
For once my travel plans did not turn into a disaster. On the way home I was talking to a very nice man, who dragged me onto the platform for a cigarette when the train stopped somewhere. I forgot that smoking on railway platforms is still allowed in this country. The conductor was a very nice lady, who didn't mind at all, and even came to let us know when we needed to get back onto the train. Excellent. The journey between the two places doesn't even take that long, so it all went well.
I'm very happy that I went there, as I had a very nice day. It's a good thing for me to see some new places in this country before I leave. This was totally worth spending all my money.

A midnight walk

Last night I decided to have a late night stroll, and ended up wandering near to where I used to work, my first job in Turku.
First of all, I got quite a surprise. I worked there during December, when everything was covered in snow, so I had absolutely no idea that that area had quite a lot of trees and grass. I'd never seen it before! I'm glad I went in that direction because I got the chance to see it in quite a different light.
Being around there brought up plenty of memories for me. Winter was quite a dark and miserable time - it literally was that way, and also felt that way as there were a lot of problems around that time. Being near there made me both happy and sad. It was around that time that I first started to feel like I really loved Turku, and that it was somewhere I would like to call my home. I remember one particular morning, quite early, when I'd only had to be there for one hour. I was walking home, seeing the cathedral in the distance, seeing the roads in and out of the city, and the train tracks, it was extremely cold but very clear and sunny, and I remember thinking how beautiful it all was. I got that feeling last night too.
I also felt quite sad because I thought of how my first few months here were in some ways wasted, just like many before I came to Finland. Maybe they needed to be wasted so I could be so happy and appreciative of everything I have now, and especially everything I've gained since coming to Turku. I'm so grateful for how things have turned out. This is definitely one of the happiest times of my life.
Whilst I worked there I was staying with Emma and Tommi most of the time, and little did I know that every time I walked back to their house I was walking straight past my future home, the place where I live now. I actually walked past my current home on the first morning I was ever in Turku. I never would have guessed. It goes to show you never can tell how things will turn out.

Forte

I've been told before that I should go to Forte sometime, which finally happened yesterday. It was definitely preferable to Marilyn and Vegas, which I wrote about before. It was nice to have a girlie night out for a change, as I haven't done that for ages now. It's not the best club I've ever been to, but it's better than some of the other options in Turku. The interior was nice, and there were lots of friendly people there. I think Sunday is the really big night there, as all the bar staff who can't go out on Friday and Saturday apparently go to Forte on Sundays. Several people have told me I should go there one weekend, and I wouldn't be opposed to going again. The music wasn't quite what I like, but it was good enough for dancing, and better than in some other places where they seem to play "Selvä Päivä" and not much else.
Best of all, it was extremely cheap, and they had various cocktails. Some creepy old men bought us all strawberry margaritas. The drinks were good, the men were bad. It was a good night though, and I'm glad my friends called me else I would have just been at home being boring. However, I still find it a bit awkward when I go outside at 4am and it looks like the middle of the day. Yesterday was the longest day of the year too, so it was really weird. I'm not sure I'm going to get used to this.
Our night ended with eating burgers in the street, kindly bought for us by some friendly men. I have to say, if you've been out drinking in Turku you should go to Semi-Burger in Erikinkatu. The food is amazing, and it was pretty perfect after lots of drinking. I think I'm in love with their vegetarian burger. Maybe I was just drunk, but everything about it seemed perfect. It's a bit expensive (€4 just for a fairly small burger), but it's probably worth it. When you're drunk you don't really mind how much you're spending anyway. There was a long queue so I think it's a popular place. I'll certainly be going back.
So all in all it was a successful night with a happy ending. The occasional midweek night out is never a bad thing, so today I'm feeling rather cheerful.

Remember to relax

Lots of things have happened today to get me stressed and pissed off. I really overspent at the weekend, and I'm not very proud of myself. It looks like my rent will be paid in installments this month. However, if the pre-school I had an interview at could be bothered to pay me for my time, as they promised, it would likely solve the problem. The lesson we've learned this weekeend is that drunk people shouldn't be allowed to pay with cards or withdraw money. Bad things will happen.
Despite all that, I had quite a relaxing few hours sitting by the river tonight. It was very hot today, and lots of people were walking around; I felt very connected to Turku for some reason.
Another lovely thing is that the benches by the river, near to the library, have special Capital of Culture Marimekko designed cushions. There are lots of street art things around the river area, such as balloons with ships on them in the trees, and giant ducks in the river. I'm so irritated that my iPhone charger is broken so I can't take any pcitures. If I wasn't a big drunken fool I could have bought a new one already...

Turku is a happy place

I was walking home from my friend's house at 3am on Friday morning, and it was amazing to see that very far off in the distance the sky was red where the sun was just beginning to rise. It was beautiful and strange. At the moment I'm getting about five hours of darkness each night, and I find it almost impossible to believe, it's so far from what I'm used to. One evening last week I was talking to one of my English friends on Skype, it was around 10pm, and I showed him on the webcam what the sky looked liked outside. He said it looked the same as it was in England, which is two hours behind Finland. I'm sure that it's dark by 9 or 10pm there. At the moment the darkness here seems to be between 11pm and 4am. It's so strange.
Walking home like that seemed oddly magical. It's nice that I can walk home alone at night and still feel quite safe. When I lived in Canterbury I could also do that, it's smaller than Turku and very non-threatening, but there's no chance I'd do that in London, or even the city I come from. I love living here.
Yesterday was a quiet day, but I noticed something about a particular R-Kioski shop. For people reading this in Turku, it's the one in Erikinkatu next to Lidl. Every time I go in there I've noticed that the people working there are unbelievably cheerful and friendly, more so than in any other shop. Is the management putting something in the water?

Strange musical evening

It turned out that the cultural stuff was continuing today too, so the hangover did not beat me! When I walked near the river earlier there was a zip wire strung up across it, which I think was bordering on stupid, but no one appeared to fall in or get stuck in the middle.
We went to a gig on the riverbank this evening, it was free, and the band are apparently quite famous. It meant nothing to me, but Jätkäjätkät anyone? Imagine, if you will: Finnish rap that's channelling a bit of ska, with a mandolin and an accordion. It literally made no sense, but it was fun. Personally I wouldn't pay for it, but they were good. It was quite nice whilst standing in the sunshine.
Of course, because it's summer in Turku, there were some mad hippies. I've now had the experience of watching a fat, middle aged, possibly homosexual man grinding against thin air, slapping his belly, and doing some Bollywood style hand movements. That was interesting.
This particular weekend was organised by a group from, of all places, Manchester. We were informed of this by a lovely English man on stage, and I was a bit tempted to run at him screaming "Oh my god, English, English!" Thankfully, I resisted these urges. This was another part of the Capital of Culture stuff.
I'm so glad to be here, involved in all this mad stuff. Turku is buzzing at the moment, and I don't think I've seen anything like this. Maybe after winter, when everything is so dark and cold, the people here just appreciate summer and the opportunity to be outside a lot more. This city seems a lot more sociable now. I've never really felt this in any other place, and it's really exciting. There seems to be colour everywhere, and it feels like a totally different place to where I was during the winter. I've gone through some big changes since then, so maybe that's affecting how I feel. I always prefer summer, but I feel so excited this year, and I don't even know what's going to happen!

Pirate hippies and music in the park

This weekend has been amazing! The weather has suddenly become very sunny and warm, with no clouds in the sky, and it's so lovely. It's like Turku has suddenly burst into life, and it's wonderful.
Yesterday we went back to the hippy culture house for the evening, and it was so relaxing to sit in the sun in the garden. This time we decided to be super cool...and make pasta salad! We were well-prepared, but it seems the organisers had found some more food to go with their bread. Very good. We might be going back tonight too, it's become a bit addictive. The atmosphere is so nice, and it's perfect for a sunny day.
Today I decided to go to the park to sketch - certainly didn't want to waste such a beautiful day at home, and I think another building in the park has been taken over. They put a black flag outside when they've claimed a building, and there was one in the park, plus a very good band playing in there for a couple of hours. I didn't go inside, but it was very pleasant to sit outside drawing and listening to them.
I walked alongside the river too, and there were so many people hanging out around there. It's infectious when everyone is in such a good mood. I'm so excited for the summer - already there's such a great atmosphere, and everyone seems so happy. I love how good weather does that to people.
I can't remember the last time everything felt so wonderful, so free, and so full of hope. I really couldn't be happier with how things have turned out for me, and I really feel now that the struggles have been worthwhile. I'm so glad I'm not missing out on all of these things, which so easily could have happened. Thankfully, things changed. Turku has a really amazing energy right now, that seems to have suddenly exploded out of nowhere. Things are so insular in winter, but everything seems to have opened up and become very inviting. All this and I'm going on holiday in a few days! What more could I ask for?
It's a shame I'll be missing May day here, but maybe something will be happening in Norway too.

Happy 6 months anniversary!

Wow. I came to Finland six months ago today. What an exciting, surprising, traumatic, and beautiful six months it's been. It feels so strange, in all this time I've spent only five days in England, and so much has happened and changed.
Six months ago I was unhappy. I'd been ill for several months, and I was in a bad relationship. I came here out of love, and a naive hope that a change of scenery would do us good and save the relationship. It actually had a very different effect. It made me realise the one thing that everyone else already knew - that it wasn't worth saving. My desire to take advantage of new opportunities here, and to not be held back, pushed me to become independent again. So much good has come out of this experience, but if nothing else, that is something to be grateful for. I'm very happy now. I feel like I'm back to being the person I was, and always should have been.
That's obviously the most significant change to my life, but there are others too. I've been living in a new culture for all this time, and that's what has made me happiest. I appreciate my own country more now, and can see it's good points, whereas before I was desperate to get away. I've had to keep an open mind about a lot of things, and I think this kind of experience is very valuable.
I've also met lots of lovely new friends, and I'm sure there are still more to come. I've been given so much kindness and support here, and I'm very lucky to have met a lot of trustworthy, decent people. I wasn't sure how I'd make friends in this place, but I haven't done too badly.
I've found a city that I really like. I think Turku is beautiful, I have a wonderful home here, and I'm so glad that circumstances lead me here, because I doubt I ever would have come here independently. It's quieter than London, but I think I needed that, and much less intimidating than going to a larger foreign city. There's still plenty to keep me occupied, so I think I've hit the right balance for now.
My knowledge of the Finnish language has vastly developed, even if it's still far from fluent. It's a complicated language which takes a long time to master, so I'm quite satisfied with what I've learned so far. When I came here I knew two or three words, now I can have a simple conversation, and say some more complicated sentences. I've learned a lot since coming here.
Six months ago this blog was non-existent. Now it has many readers, a few fans on Facebook, it's allowed me to meet new people, and it keeps growing. It was planned as a way to let my friends in England know what I was up to, but it's become so much bigger than that now. It's been a big surprise.
I've thought about things, and the circumstances in which I came here were all wrong, but I don't think it matters because now things are wonderful. Sometimes I'm sad that I'm not graduating with my friends this summer, and worry that I'll be lonely when I go home, but when I think of all the positive parts of this period of time I'm so glad I'm here, and I think it was worth it. It was an unplanned and plain stupid decision, but it's turned out so well. Sometimes there's a lot to be said for stupidity.

Help!

I think I need some suggestions of new things to do in Turku. I've been a bit bored recently during the weekdays, and don't have anything important to do. Preferably cheap or free things seeing as I'm going to Norway in one month and seven days and should probably save some money for that. I'd much rather be going outside and doing new things, but I'm not very inspired at the moment.

Still, I do have some lovely new cultural observations:

1.) Traffic lights. Since I came here, traffic lights have baffled me. The police will warn or fine pedestrians for walking through a red light, but when there's a red light for vehicles they can drive through it if no one is crossing the street. That makes it a bit risky if you happen to reach the crossing at that time, I'm always a bit unsure whether to walk or not. And the lights get turned off at night! I said that was weird, the person I was talking to thought it made sense to save energy. Just a bit dangerous to me. Crossing the road is hard enough because I still think the traffic is backwards.

2.) Kitchens. They're all designed in exactly the same way, and it's genius! The cupboard under the sink has the bin in it, the cupboard over the sink is a draining board, and there's at least one pull-out chopping board next to the drawers. When I came here I just thought I'd been blessed with a nifty kitchen, but no! Every kitchen I've seen is the same. Where did this idea come from? Does anyone not have a kitchen like this? This is the reason why Finnish design is respected worldwide.

3.) Supermarkets. You go to the supermarket in England and have to simultaneously pack your shopping, pay for it and put your change away. Here they have clever little things to divide the end of the till up, so you wait until they've scanned all your stuff, then pay for it, then pack it in your own sweet time, and the person behind you doesn't care how long you take because their stuff just ends up on the other side, so doddery old people don't bother anyone! Why did no one in England think of this?

Finally, our housewarming party was very successful, and I'm liking how Finnish people feel obliged to bring gifts. I acquired two bottles of wine and a new phone. Imagine how much shit I'd have if I knew more than about five people! I'm going to make some new friends and then have another housewarming. Incidentally, we might have to do that, because the poor, sweet Ukrainian girl who lives here (and cannot speak Finnish or English) seemingly misunderstood when she was informed of the party, and thought that she had to go out whilst it was happening. It's very sad, considering that we'd all knocked on her door to see if she was joining us, only to find she'd gone out. So we think we need to do it again...

Kauppahalli and window shopping

I should stop going window shopping because I'm getting too many ideas. It's definitely a good thing that I'm broke. However, I did buy this very lovely purple hat, which I saw in the second hand shop yesterday but was unsure about. Only €2! Sadly it seems that the black dress I saw yesterday had since been sold, but at least the purple one was still available for now. We also went to the Salvation Army shop next to our house, and I bought a really stylish black tea/coffee cup and saucer set for 50 cents! There were several that were exactly the same but the rest were all marked as €1 per set, so I got lucky. We also found a very strange, slightly horrific red tie emblazoned with images of cartoon sheep in various sexual positions. I'm now a bit mentally scarred. Who on earth would wear such a thing? I was tempted to buy it just to make sure no one would ever wear it again.
Heli also took me to two shops I've noticed but never been into before, Cybershop and Leather Heaven. They're both the kind of places you'd expect to find in Camden, and both pretty similar to Blue Banana. Leather Heaven had a really beautiful purple dress I'm covetting just a little bit. If anyone out there thinks I deserve a new dress I will gladly accept €50 to pay for it! They also had a very sweet range of baby clothes. Cybershop was quite nice too, they had some cool legwarmers, and I've been wanting a second pair for a while now. I didn't like their clothes so much but they had a lot of appealing accessories and jewellery. When I'm able to I'd like to buy some legwarmers, but apart from that I don't think there's much I'd go out of my way to buy in there.
We also had a proper look around the Kauppahalli, which I really enjoyed. Every time I've gone to Little Britannia I've noticed interesting stuff all around but I'd never taken the time to look at it all. There are so many cool little places in there. There's lots of fresh food available, as well as foreign food products, and some places selling jewellery, bags, souvenirs for tourists, ornaments etc. I was really impressed with how many different things have been fitted in, yet it still doesn't seem overcrowded or over the top. As well as all these stalls there are a few tiny cafes and restaurants - coffee shops, a Chinese, a sushi bar, an Italian guy selling pizzas, another selling antipasto, and someone with lots of fresh salads and baguettes. It was a bit like the food section of the Stables in Camden, but with fewer pushy people yelling or waving battered chicken at you. I'm glad I made the effort to see it all because there are definitely some things I'd like to go back to. Obviously, I had to get some snacks in Little Britannia too. All in all it was a very pleasant afternoon, and I'm finding that Turku has a lot of cool, quirky places to shop if you make the effort to find them. The Hansa center dominates everything a bit, but if you look past that there are some much better places.

Reflective walk

I decided to go for a short walk near the church this afternoon to ease my mind for a bit. It was a good idea - soothing and peaceful. I don't think I've ever paid much attention to the area directly around the church, except to set off fireworks on New Years Eve. It was strange that, despite being in the middle of the city, it was very quiet around there. It's set back from the main roads slightly, so perhaps that explains why. It was a bit too chilly to be wandering around for too long, but at least the sun was shining and there's much less ice and snow on the ground at the moment.

I sketched the statue of Per Brahe too, but suffered the usual problem of the ink in my pen freezing. On Wikipedia I found a photograph of the statue that was taken in 1900. It's funny how the background doesn't seem to have changed much since then. I also noticed I've now filled the Muumimamma sketchbook I bought on that first trip to Helsinki. That was when everything got a bit weird in my life. Maybe now it can stop.

It was nice to have some quiet time to just think about things. I happened to bump into someone I know too, and I realised that Turku is becoming quite familiar and homely now. I think this is a good place for me to be, despite certain claims that my life would be better in Helsinki. I don't think that's true.

As I've said before, there's been way too much chaos in my personal life recently, and I really want it all to end now. I can't believe it's been dragged out for so long. When I wander around Turku like this I realise that, regardless of the circumstances or the past, this is the place for me right now, and there's nowhere I'd rather be than right where I am. I've made the correct choice, I'm sure of it. It's been a struggle at times, but a worthwhile one if it means I can have a peaceful time here. I've met so many people, seen the reality of some things for the first time, and worked out what I really want. I feel motivated to do, and get, what I want, so I'm going to get everything in my life in order. Then go back to England and make a mess again!

Positive/Negative

Positive: A couple of days ago I sold my second painting ever! It's not for a lot of money but it's a start. I'm very pleased about that.
Also two very nice ladies in Turku have contacted me after reading this blog to make friends, which is also very nice. One is English, the other is Finnish but previously lived in London and wants to meet someone she can speak to in English. Sounds like my kinda people.

Negative: Those two points aside, the past few days have been absolutely brutal. It's looking more and more likely that I should just go home. In fact, I have a plane ticket, the question is whether or not to use it. If I can stay here then it's possible to just change the date of my flight to a later time, and use it for a holiday or something.
The root of the problem comes from having nowhere to stay. My friends here all seem to have their own problems and priorities right now, which I do understand and am not blaming them for, but as a result no one is able or willing to help me. I'm really disappointed, but I do understand that other people are not sitting around all day waiting, just in case I have a problem that needs solving. It's very annoying that at the moment I could easily afford a deposit for a house, mainly because the UK student loans company messed up and accidentally paid me a new loan installment. However, they've made it clear that they want it back, and I've already spent a fair amount, not realising why there was so much money available to me. At first I thought the bank had made a mistake. With the new suggestions I've had regarding benefits money, as well as my own ideas for making money, there's a chance something could get sorted out to cover rent, but I don't want to make any commitments before finding out for sure.
I'd be miserable if I ended up back in England already, because I feel like I'll be missing out on opportunities here. That was the point of being in this country anyway. As I'd be unable to return to university at this time I'd end up living a pretty boring life with some dead end, short term job, living with my parents in a city I hate. Vantaa suddenly got a lot more appealing, but that plan is also flawed. When things in Turku are steady I'm very happy, and although some people will consider this foolish, I think that being happy is more important. It looks like I have a few days to work out how to stay put. I feel that some kind of miracle would be my only hope, because I think I've exhausted my options.
My personal life is getting really screwed up too, and I keep wondering if all of this would have happened if we'd remained in London. I have no intention of explaining that stuff here though, so unless you know me you'll just have to make up your own version of that story. I will say that this week I realised that my personal situation is holding me back, and I think I'd be capable of doing some big and interesting things if it weren't for that. A small example is my language class - it's a simple thing I'm doing to better myself and to make life a bit easier here, and another person should not be preventing me from going; and due to the problems I'm having, I'm not really in a position to argue with that. I wish my friends and my mother were around, but not to the point that I'd choose to go home. I just need a hug.

Any thoughts?

Turku 2011

I finally watched the opening thingy for Turku becoming the culture capital. Suski cleverly recorded it off the tv, which was a good thing because we took too long getting ready and missed the whole thing.
After seeing it I'm actually quite glad we didn't have to stand in the cold watching that, because it was quite boring. At one point they were playing the theme tune of BBC News for some reason...and there was a lot of random music and a really bad song about Turku.
For song reason the show was based around a British group of acrobats! In the end credits the names of the people who wrote and performed the show were very clearly not Finnish names. They sounded suspiciously English to me. I think that's a shame, and such a wasted opportunity to show what's good about Finland and what Finnish people can do, and surely that's part of the point of being the capital of culture? As the show wasn't great maybe some Finnish people would have done a better job.
It was all a bit disappointing. The fireworks were quite nice, and Tarja Halonen had a very nice red hat on, but apart from that it wasn't very good. I hope that for the rest of the year there'll be a bit more emphasis on Finnish-ness. Silly Finland.

Snowy walk

I've been for a nice snowy walk in the park to clear my head up a bit. Again, it was the park with the amazing views of Turku. It snowed earlier today so a lot of the sludge has been replaced by real snow, which is obviously much prettier. It doesn't really feel that cold anymore, but I'm not sure exactly what the temperature is.
For some reason going to the park makes me feel a lot calmer. I think I need that at the moment though. It's so quiet there, you can just hear the hum of traffic but it's very gentle. You can see absolutely everything in Turku from there, as I pointed out here. Looking at the photos from that day it looks so different - green and lively. I wouldn't describe it as bleak now, but it's a lot plainer and seems emptier without the grass and leaves. Also I noticed in the park there's a random Russian flag. Why?
It really helped to go there and think about some things in peace - I feel like my life has become far too manic recently. I want that to change now. I really am glad that I'm here, even though sometimes I've wished I'd never come here. I know why I felt that way, and hopefully that can change now. More and more I'm thinking that after I've finished my degree I'll come back to live in Turku. By then I should be in a much better position to come here. This time I really didn't think it through, and I wasn't very prepared. I'm much better off now though, and I can't believe I've been here for almost 3 months, with only one week spent in England. If all goes well I have another 8 months to enjoy here. Sometimes I've wanted to run like hell away from here, but I think I'll be happy now.

In Finland

The trip to the motherland was fairly successful. As a special treat you can see a picture of my cat, who I attempted to teach Finnish to. I thought she managed "moi", but my parents were more convinced it was just a normal cat noise. Hmm. Mainly I ate a ridiculous amount of food and drank about 2 bottles of Lucozade per day. I even had a few bottles left for my suitcase.
As ever, my trip back was very...interesting. It lasted around 23 hours. Great. Due to times and prices of flights not being on my side I got back with SAS and a stopover in Copenhagen. I thoroughly enjoyed Denmark...for the hour I spent there. There are some damn good looking men in that country. Well done Denmark. It's kinda funny to think that I spent yesterday in 3 different countries.
In order to get to Heathrow in time for the flight I had to take 3 trains, the first one leaving at 11.50pm on Friday. When I arrived at 5.30am on Saturday I just wanted to collapse and die. I completely slept through both of my flights, even through the offers of complimentary coffee, which might have helped me.
Eventually, after 2 taxis, 4 trains and 2 flights (that sounds mammoth!) I got safely to Turku and went to bed. It seems that in the past week the snow has been melting, freezing and melting again, because the streets are covered in a lovely looking sludge. Last night in both Turku and Helsinki the snow seemed very thick so maybe it's only just happened. The snow in Helsinki was an absolute joke, even the inside of the train station was exactly the same as in the street. The square outside the station hadn't been cleared at all, and it's a bit silly considering how many people are wandering around there with suitcases, which are almost impossible to carry through snow that thick. It cheered me up that someone there was playing 22 Pistepirkko songs. That's what I expect when I come to Finland!
I'm glad to be back, even though I enjoyed my trip and have certainly learned to appreciate my own nation more after being in another one. The climate was much more pleasant. I did notice, however, how filthy English streets are in comparison to Finnish ones. Seriously, English people - find a bloody bin! I also found that some stuff is much cheaper in Finland, for example cigarettes and public transport. Also, all this talk of vat going up and taxes rising etc made me feel very relieved to be in another country for the time being. Also slightly concerned about going back there in the autumn, but maybe the situation will have calmed down by then. Yeah right...

Suburbs and Forest

I just went with Emmi whilst she walked her dogs, and got to wander through a Finnish forest. It was beautiful, all covered in snow. There were a few streetlamps nearby so it wasn't too dark, and it looked so clean and glittering. There were even people skiing there. It was a nice experience, and the forests look quite different to the woods in England, so it was something new for me. I'm sure it would be even prettier when it's well-lit during the daytime, but it was impressive as it was. Nothing but snow and trees all around me.
I've also now been able to see the suburbs of Turku, which hasn't happened before because I've always been right in the centre. It was much snowier because there are fewer people walking around, so the snow doesn't get trodden down so much and there's less need for snow ploughs to clear the area. It was so quiet compared to the middle of the city, it was quite strange. On the bus it's only roughly a 15 minute journey to market square, so it's not in the middle of nowhere. It was a lot more peaceful, but as I prefer busy areas I think I'd rather be in the city centre. I guess it's much better if you have pets to think of though.
I also finally got the Christmas parcel my mother sent me! I can't get Becky's yet because I don't know the tracking code, but my mother's got to me. She thoughtfully sent me a lot of thick tights, my grandparents say it's such a surprise that I suddenly live in "Findland", and my aunty sent a set of gloves and a scarf. The gloves are fine but the scarf is way too thin for these temperatures. I suppose they're lower than she could ever imagine, and at least it's a thoughtful gift. Now I'm just looking forward to getting Becky's parcel - I know it's arrived but I need the tracking code for it.