Positive/Negative

Positive: A couple of days ago I sold my second painting ever! It's not for a lot of money but it's a start. I'm very pleased about that.
Also two very nice ladies in Turku have contacted me after reading this blog to make friends, which is also very nice. One is English, the other is Finnish but previously lived in London and wants to meet someone she can speak to in English. Sounds like my kinda people.

Negative: Those two points aside, the past few days have been absolutely brutal. It's looking more and more likely that I should just go home. In fact, I have a plane ticket, the question is whether or not to use it. If I can stay here then it's possible to just change the date of my flight to a later time, and use it for a holiday or something.
The root of the problem comes from having nowhere to stay. My friends here all seem to have their own problems and priorities right now, which I do understand and am not blaming them for, but as a result no one is able or willing to help me. I'm really disappointed, but I do understand that other people are not sitting around all day waiting, just in case I have a problem that needs solving. It's very annoying that at the moment I could easily afford a deposit for a house, mainly because the UK student loans company messed up and accidentally paid me a new loan installment. However, they've made it clear that they want it back, and I've already spent a fair amount, not realising why there was so much money available to me. At first I thought the bank had made a mistake. With the new suggestions I've had regarding benefits money, as well as my own ideas for making money, there's a chance something could get sorted out to cover rent, but I don't want to make any commitments before finding out for sure.
I'd be miserable if I ended up back in England already, because I feel like I'll be missing out on opportunities here. That was the point of being in this country anyway. As I'd be unable to return to university at this time I'd end up living a pretty boring life with some dead end, short term job, living with my parents in a city I hate. Vantaa suddenly got a lot more appealing, but that plan is also flawed. When things in Turku are steady I'm very happy, and although some people will consider this foolish, I think that being happy is more important. It looks like I have a few days to work out how to stay put. I feel that some kind of miracle would be my only hope, because I think I've exhausted my options.
My personal life is getting really screwed up too, and I keep wondering if all of this would have happened if we'd remained in London. I have no intention of explaining that stuff here though, so unless you know me you'll just have to make up your own version of that story. I will say that this week I realised that my personal situation is holding me back, and I think I'd be capable of doing some big and interesting things if it weren't for that. A small example is my language class - it's a simple thing I'm doing to better myself and to make life a bit easier here, and another person should not be preventing me from going; and due to the problems I'm having, I'm not really in a position to argue with that. I wish my friends and my mother were around, but not to the point that I'd choose to go home. I just need a hug.

Any thoughts?

Turku/Vantaa

Vantaa


Turku


We might move to Vantaa next month, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I could, of course, stay in Turku on my own, but that would be pretty difficult. My main concern is to be in this country and continue my experiences here - at first Jussi actually wanted to return to England, but I did not go through all this stress for a 7 week holiday!
I've only been to Vantaa because that's where the airport for Helsinki is. I don't really know what it's like, but Jussi is keen so he can work at the Koff brewery again. It's also commutable to Helsinki, so there would be plenty to do and there would probably be more employment opportunities for someone like me.
All of this would be just fine were it not for the fact that I love Turku, I like my job here, and I'm starting to feel quite settled. I was walking home from work at 9am this morning, the sun was just rising, it was snowy everywhere, and it all just seemed so lovely, I wanted to cry just thinking about leaving. I'm not saying I'd want to live here forever but it's such a nice place, and I don't really know what Vantaa is like, and maybe I wouldn't like it there. I haven't had enough of a chance to live here and explore. I'm not really in a financial position to stay here alone, and Jussi is very set on the fact that he wants to leave. Why he feels like that when he bitched and whined for months in London that he wanted to come back here is a mystery. And obviously, I'd like to be with him too, but I don't think I can have both him and Turku. I'm very worried, and very confused. If I really couldn't stay here then I'd choose Vantaa over England any day. Maybe it would be another good opportunity for me, and it would make my overall experience much bigger to have lived in more than one city in this country. I think I need a Finnish person to tell me the whole dirty truth about each place so I can work it all out/give me a coin to flip.
I'm sorry to have this big old emotional rant - this blog was not intended to be for such things, but I guess it is relevant. It's been a bit of a difficult day, thinking about all of this and feeling so uncertain. Any advice is welcome on this one.
On a lighter note, tomorrow I'm meeting a girl who reads this blog, so hopefully I'll end up with a new Finnish friend. Also, in the photo of Turku at the top, the grey building in the top left hand corner is where I live! Not for long apparently, but never mind. Our flat's on the opposite side though.