It's over

I'm now in England, at my parents' house.
Right now I'm not feeling very happy, plus I'm pretty tired and listless, so I'm going to take a bit of time to calm down and relax before writing the "end of year essay." Maybe tomorrow. Basically, I'm safe, I'm alive, and I wish I was in Finland.

Two weeks to go...

I only have two weeks left in this country! I can't believe it; I don't know where this time has gone at all. I've finished my job and am now doing all the stressful stuff to sort out my belongings and get ready to go.
I'm actually feeling a bit overwhelmed because there seems to be so much to do, and I'm already unhappy about going. I'm sure I'll manage to get everything sorted out, and hopefully get myself together by then. On Wednesday a courier is coming to pick up one of my suitcases, filled with non-essential things, and hopefully everything will seem a bit more straightforward once that's been done.
I hope I can get my mindset into a more positive frame of mind, as I'm not succeeding with that right now. I can see some positives to being in England again - I'll be busy with university, and will have a purpose again, so there won't be that bored, frustrating feeling I've had whilst I haven't been working here. I'll have a student loan too, so money son't be quite as much of an issue as it has been here at times. On Friday my employer asked me what will be the first thing i do when I get home - I said sit down and eat solidly for a week. I'm looking forward to that, at least.

Why?

I am absolutely certain that I want to return to Finland, and ideally Turku, after I have finished my education in England. If I'm lucky I might already be back in a year from now. Of course I can't predict the future and I don't know what might happen to change things, but for now there's nowhere else I'd rather be. Knowing this, I've been thinking about why exactly I want to be here so much. I'm referring to the qualities of the country that make it so appealing, not the friends I've made or experiences I've had, which obviously make it a good place to be. It's surprisingly hard to pin down.
One big thing is that this country feels much safer and more peaceful than my own. There are terrible riots going on all over England at the moment, plus there's a constant threat of terrorism, and being here has made me realise how worrying it is. I think people in England are generally desensitised to it as it has, unfortunately, become so normal. It's not something I ever really worried about whilst I was there, and now it seems much more pronounced to me.
I think Finland is very beautiful, and I'm not just referring to the countryside. The cities I've seen have beautiful squares, parks and buildings, and are very clean too, much cleaner than your average city in England. The environment is just so nice.
In the summertime the whole place seems to come alive, which is wonderful after a long, dark winter. I think this doesn't happen so much in England because the weather is better in winter, so the contrast isn't so extreme.
I think I also enjoy being surrounded by a culture that is very different from my own; much more different than a lot of people realise. It makes everything so fascinating.
I find it all a bit ironic because when I first visited Finland, two years ago, I didn't actually like it very much. I only went to Helsinki, but I thought that I probably wouldn't go there again. Circumstances got in the way of that, and look at me now!

Recent things

I've been a bit busy for the past few days - I'll explain why further on. Some nice things have been going on recently though.
Last night the dance theatre opposite my house put on a show as you can see from the photo. They'd placed adverts around our building to say that anyone was welcome to attend, but they held the show in the yard between the house and the theatre, so we were watching some of it from the kitchen and my bedroom. It was really nice though - a bit unusual, so that was fun.
A couple of nights ago I also found a new bar to drink in, which really reminded me of traditional English pubs, so that was cool. Actually, I've walked past it numerous times, and I always thought it looked decent, but I'd never gone inside before. I wouldn't mind going back. The interior was very comfortable and homely, it reminded me of local pubs and some Wetherspoons. It was a pleasant surprise.
The reason I've been a bit distracted is that I've met a man! He's lovely, and has restored my faith in Finnish men. They aren't all drunk and idiotic! Until yesterday he's been in Turku, as he lives in Tampere. That explains to you why I went to Tampere in the first place. One of my friends introduced us, and I'm very happy.
I'd also like to thank the universe, in it's wisdom, for suddenly producing someone I really like immediately before I leave the country! That was clever. It seems that nothing in my life can ever go to plan, but right now I don't really care. Love travels oceans and all that.
Now there's less than one month left in Finland, which makes me feel very sad. On the 5th of September my plane leaves from Helsinki. I'm thinking of this as just a temporary absence for me, and hopefully the time will fly by, as it has this year, and then I'll be back. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.
As this experience will soon be coming to an end, I'm planning to contact publishers in both this country and England, in a bid to turn this blog into a book. It has been much more widely read than I ever anticipated, and several people have recommended doing that, so I hope I can be successful.

These people will never understand me

I have written numerous entries about all the Finnish things which simply make no sense to me. Therefore, I thought it was about time I wrote about a few things that Finnish people don't understand about me and my country. I'm sure all of these things are very normal in my country, but Finnish people really don't get them.

1.) My aversion to the sauna
I'm not actually sure if other English people would exactly share my views on this, but I find sauna very unappealing, and Finnish people cannot understand why. In my country, we don't get naked with our friends and family, unless you're a nudist. Therefore, the idea of doing that in a hot, sweaty little room really doesn't work for me. It's not as though I've never seen naked people before - in art schools in England life drawing is a very normal activity, which is usually strongly encouraged, and that involves staring at a naked person for hours at a time. As a result, I'm also perfectly capable of seeing a naked body in non-sexual terms, so that isn't the issue. I just find the idea of everyone getting naked together a bit weird. I don't want to see my friends naked, I don't want them to see me naked. In England the only other person who is likely to see you naked is your partner. Maybe I wouldn't mind doing it so much if I was with a partner, but I don't have one right now anyway.
Unfortunately, sauna is so normal and so loved in this country that Finnish people find my feelings unbelievable. On a couple of occasions when I've talked about this, Finnish people have been very pushy and quite rude about it. One particular conversation I had made me think that it's unsurprising that a lot of foreign people consider the Finns to be intolerant. I know that's not the case, and that the person in question was just very shocked, but I ended up feeling like I was being punished.

2.) Chip sandwiches
Finnish people do not understand the beauty of putting a potato based product between pieces of bread or toast. I'm not one for crisp sandwiches, which are very popular with English children, but sandwiches with chips, potato wedges or hash browns are beautiful things to me. Yesterday I was discussing this with Emmi, and I told her that the night before I'd had a hash brown sandwich with loads of butter and garlic mayonnaise, and her response was to tell me that I'm quite disgusting. Sadly they weren't real hash browns, but I've found a brand of röstiperunat which are almost identical. In the city I come from there's a cafe which sells a Vegetarian Melt, consisting of either vegetarian sausages, hash browns, or both, in a baguette smothered with melted cheese. That's one reason to be glad I'll be staying there when I first get to England.

3.) School uniforms
I think pretty much every school in England has a uniform, but Finnish people find the idea quite unpleasant. Most people have argued that it doesn't allow the child any sense of individuality. I disagree - I managed to cultivate a perfectly good sense of individuality and creativity, despite wearing a uniform for 11 years. Plus you don't have to wear it 24 hours a day. Emmi said she thought it was unfair as some people might not have enough money to buy a uniform, which is a fair point, but at the school I went to, and presumably others too, they ran a second hand uniform shop. Anyone could donate pieces of uniform which they grew out of or no longer needed, and others could buy them for a much lower price than in the shops. I think uniforms also make everyone equal. No one can be bullied for the way they dress.

4.) Christmas food
I found the traditional Finnish Christmas food to be a bit odd. Very tasty, but it didn't seem very Christmassy to me as it was so different to what I'd normally eat. Similarly, when I showed Emma and Tommi a photo my parents emailed to me of their Christmas meal, they laughed for ages. Essentially, it's a very elaborate roast, but as that's very foreign to the people here they found it quite bizarre. I enjoyed the food I had last year, but I did miss the English meal, and I'll be very grateful to have it again this year.

5.) Salt & Vinegar crisps
This is the most popular flavour of crisps in my country, and I absolutely love them - they're definitely my favourite. Finnish people think it's a very strange flavour to have. They have similar thoughts on pickled onion flavoured crisps, which are also quite popular. When I first came here I did buy a bag of salt & vinegar crisps, but they tasted all wrong, which is why I've stuck to buying proper ones from England in the Kauppahalli. In this country I understand that sour cream is the most popular flavour, but I don't find them very appealing, even though they are available in England.

If I think of anything else I'll write about this again. Or if any Finnish people reading this have a suggestion of something "weird" from England, I'll try to explain it for you.

Xenophobe's guide to the Finns

If you want to know about what I have to put up with every day, I recommend this book. Emmi had mentioned it to me a while ago, and yesterday we found some copies in Suomalainen Kirjakauppa. It's written by a Finnish woman, and it's all very funny, but also true. Just looking through it in the shop gave me answers to a few things. For example, I've been wondering why people in a cold country want to eat so much ice cream. Answer: to ensure they are still the leading consumers of ice cream in the world! Plus, it means beating Sweden at something, and that's always worthwhile. We both found it funny, and I should probably buy a copy sometime. I learned from the book that if a Finnish person makes a promise they will stick to it, and the only way they'll break it is if they happen to die. Even that is considered to be a poor excuse.
Happily, there's also a Xenophobe's guide to the English. I want that one too. It points out that the people of my glorious nation share "a collective dislike of anyone who 'goes too far'." I can't say that it's not true. That book reminds everyone of some important qualities of an English person - moderation and indifference. Good point.
Seeing these books, and remembering how many times I've written about Finnish things that I just don't understand, I've been thinking recently of the things that Finnish people don't understand about me/England. I'll get to that tomorrow, I've been writing a mental list.

Food and Art

I just ate some lovely falafel from Hesburger. I haven't been there for a while, so it was a nice treat. Actually, I mainly bought it because I ended up having a spontaneous night out last night, and on the way home around 5am I went to Hesburger, and as soon as I got to the front of the line the woman announced that they were shutting and wouldn't cook anything else. Evil people. I really like Hesburger, I think I'll miss it when I'm back in London. Perhaps I should open my own franchise. It's a lot better than Burger King or McDonalds - their vegetarian food is actually edible for a start.
I don't really get cravings for English food anymore. When I first came here it was really annoying. On a couple of occasions when I've been hungover a fried breakfast from a greasy cafe would have been ideal, but unfortunately there's no way to get that kind of thing here. Finnish people really don't understand fried breakfasts either - when I've tried explaining it they can't accept that it's breakfast, and tell me they might eat it for dinner but it's not breakfast food. I think if a hungover Finnish person ate at a greasy cafe they'd change their minds - it's hangover heaven, and every English person knows it, especially the students.
The other day I did have some bad cravings for food from Wasabi London. Their tofu yakisoba is amazing, and they have lots of really tasty vegetarian sushi too. I recommend the seaweed, soya bean, and red pepper gunkan. It's bliss. In London I regularly went to Picadilly, one of my favourite areas, to visit the commercial art galleries, and always bought food from there on the way home.
On the subject of art galleries, tomorrow I'm planning to visit Wäinö Aaltosen again. I would have done that today but I'm feeling sluggish. The new exhibition there is by Finnish, Swedish, and Estonian artists, and is themed on water, which will be of great interest to me. I grew up by the sea, and absolutely loved it, and always felt connected with water. Wherever I settle myself will need to be on the coast, or have a large body of water nearby. I love the river in Turku, which luckily is just down the street from where I live.
I really liked the last exhibition I saw at Wäinö Aaltosen; I liked the way pieces had been grouped together, and the general layout was really good, so I think this new show will be very enjoyable.

Turku is a happy place

I was walking home from my friend's house at 3am on Friday morning, and it was amazing to see that very far off in the distance the sky was red where the sun was just beginning to rise. It was beautiful and strange. At the moment I'm getting about five hours of darkness each night, and I find it almost impossible to believe, it's so far from what I'm used to. One evening last week I was talking to one of my English friends on Skype, it was around 10pm, and I showed him on the webcam what the sky looked liked outside. He said it looked the same as it was in England, which is two hours behind Finland. I'm sure that it's dark by 9 or 10pm there. At the moment the darkness here seems to be between 11pm and 4am. It's so strange.
Walking home like that seemed oddly magical. It's nice that I can walk home alone at night and still feel quite safe. When I lived in Canterbury I could also do that, it's smaller than Turku and very non-threatening, but there's no chance I'd do that in London, or even the city I come from. I love living here.
Yesterday was a quiet day, but I noticed something about a particular R-Kioski shop. For people reading this in Turku, it's the one in Erikinkatu next to Lidl. Every time I go in there I've noticed that the people working there are unbelievably cheerful and friendly, more so than in any other shop. Is the management putting something in the water?

Strange musical evening

It turned out that the cultural stuff was continuing today too, so the hangover did not beat me! When I walked near the river earlier there was a zip wire strung up across it, which I think was bordering on stupid, but no one appeared to fall in or get stuck in the middle.
We went to a gig on the riverbank this evening, it was free, and the band are apparently quite famous. It meant nothing to me, but Jätkäjätkät anyone? Imagine, if you will: Finnish rap that's channelling a bit of ska, with a mandolin and an accordion. It literally made no sense, but it was fun. Personally I wouldn't pay for it, but they were good. It was quite nice whilst standing in the sunshine.
Of course, because it's summer in Turku, there were some mad hippies. I've now had the experience of watching a fat, middle aged, possibly homosexual man grinding against thin air, slapping his belly, and doing some Bollywood style hand movements. That was interesting.
This particular weekend was organised by a group from, of all places, Manchester. We were informed of this by a lovely English man on stage, and I was a bit tempted to run at him screaming "Oh my god, English, English!" Thankfully, I resisted these urges. This was another part of the Capital of Culture stuff.
I'm so glad to be here, involved in all this mad stuff. Turku is buzzing at the moment, and I don't think I've seen anything like this. Maybe after winter, when everything is so dark and cold, the people here just appreciate summer and the opportunity to be outside a lot more. This city seems a lot more sociable now. I've never really felt this in any other place, and it's really exciting. There seems to be colour everywhere, and it feels like a totally different place to where I was during the winter. I've gone through some big changes since then, so maybe that's affecting how I feel. I always prefer summer, but I feel so excited this year, and I don't even know what's going to happen!

Ice hockey

In my efforts to integrate I ended up watching ice hockey in a bar last night. Unfortunately I had no money to get as drunk as the many sweating, nervous middle aged men. But we won! I would not have liked to be around if Sweden had won, but instead it was 6-1 to Finland. Excellent.
I don't really get ice hockey. England isn't very into snow/ice based sports, but the atmosphere was about the same as English people watching a football match between England and Germany. Basically, there would be blood if they lost.
We went outside when it ended and someone was already running down Yliopistonkatu with his shirt off. Walking home was a bit terrifying - there was a lot of drunken screaming, and someone had already passed out in the street. For a few hours after that there were a lot of car horns. It didn't really affect me but at least the rest of the country was happy.

It's the little things that count

Obviously I've mentioned how foreign and different this country is to me, but I don't think I've written about the tiny details, that maybe you wouldn't expect, that are different. There are lots of simple things that I sometimes realise are not at all like home.
For example, the air is clearer in Finland. Maybe I'm just used to breathing in the dodgy London air, which is probably not very healthy, but it feels a lot cleaner and clearer here. The first time I came to this country we noticed it straight away, and we loved it.
Food is saltier here. I don't know why that is, presumably it just suits the tastes of Finnish people better, but it's definitely noticeable for me. English food seems a bit bland in comparison. I'll probably add a ton of salt to everything when I leave because I've got used to how Finnish food tastes.
On Friday and Saturday nights people go out later than they usually would in England. I see "going out time" as between 8 and 9pm, but often in Finland we've been at home until 10.30-11pm. Bars are open until 2am here, so maybe there's just less of a rush to get out earlier. I'd never wait until that time if I was just going to a bar in England.
The light levels are strange. In winter it's dark almost constantly, but at this time of year it's light for so long, much longer than in England. I certainly prefer it as it is now. I'm not even in Northern Finland, where the light levels are much more extreme than this. It's been such a nice change recently to have light for much longer.
Just about everyone lives in blocks of flats here. Hardly anyone lives in a proper house with more than one level. I don't know why, and in England families wouldn't usually live in a flat. The building I live in now is old and beautiful, but the last place I lived in looked like a council towerblock. I'd be embarrassed to live somewhere like that in England, but here it's completely acceptable, and normal.
The whole thing in the supermarket with weighing your vegetables and getting a sticker for them - we don't do that in England. The first time I did that by myself I felt quietly very proud. In England you just take it to the till and they weigh it there. It's such a strange little thing.
The obsession with taking a numbered ticket when you're waiting somewere. Why not just form a queue like we would in England? Very occasionally we have ticket machines, but here they are absolutely everywhere - the supermarket, the bank, the bus station, the police station...just everywhere.
All these little things add up to make things so different. Things like language, weather, and food are obvious, but I've noticed all these tiny aspects that perhaps you'd never expect to differ. Somehow I think I like the strange feeling.

The beginning of the end

Kela won't help me. Unless I find a job in the next few weeks I think it's all over. I'll do any work, I don't care. The idea of going home is hell. It's the last thing I want. I have a nice place to live, I have good friends, and I like things just the way they are. Going back to live with my parents would be the biggest anti-climax I could imagine, it's so unpleasant to me that I can scarcely accept it. It's not them, it's the fact that I've been independent for almost four years and I hate the city they live in. I'd do anything to avoid it.
I've applied to the tourist place, and to a souvenir shop near to my house, other people are trying to come up with ideas for me, and I'm willing to do just about anything. I don't need the best paid job on the planet, just enough to pay my rent and keep me where I want to be. I'm in a constant state of panic right now. I'll take any bullshit cleaning job, looking after kids, wiping an incontinent old woman's arse - it really doesn't matter. Selling paintings doesn't make enough money; I get some extra cash out of it but I can't pay my rent with it. If anyone knows of any solid opportunities, please tell me. I'm pretty desperate right now. I can't cope with the idea of leaving.

Otto Mäkilä

Today I've been to the Taidemuseo with one of my friends. The exhibition of what is apparently some of the best pieces from their collection wasn't particularly enjoyable. A few things stood out, but not many. I think part of the problem was that it was heavily landscape-based, and I don't find landscapes particularly interesting. The works were all examples of brilliant technical skill, but nothing really grabbed me, which was a shame. Finnish artists, particularly from the 19th century, seemed very into painting the countryside. I'm sure that if that kind of art caters to your tastes it would be an excellent exhibition to see, but unfortunately it was not for me.

After that we saw the Otto Mäkilä exhibition, and thankfully I enjoyed that so much more. The collection as quite extensive, and showed a really good body of work. Some pieces reminded me of Marc Chagall, others seemed to be influenced by Cubism and Futurism. It was really worth seeing. I also really liked that Mäkilä's sketchbook pages were included in the show; I always like being able to see the thought process behind an artist's work. Too often we are just presented with the final "masterpiece", and for art students it can be a bit discouraging to think that the artist was magically able to produce something so brilliant just like that whilst we cannot. Most of the time you don't get to see the initial planning, or the 10 attempts that went wrong before the final piece, so it's good to be reminded that these famous people weren't any different to us.

Once again, I end up wondering why no Finnish artists seem to be well known in my country. Do they not want to be known outside of Finland or Scandinavia? Is the market in Britain oversaturated with native artists, making it difficult for foreign artists to break through? Artists from other Western European countries and America seem to make a name for themselves, so why not Northern European artists? Using Otto Mäkilä as an example, there is no reason why his work shouldn't be as famous in England as it is in Finland. It's not offensive, it doesn't contain cultural references that people outside of Finland couldn't understand, and it's not actually so different to work that has been successful in that country. I'm starting to wonder if the artists choose not to make themselves known outside of Finland, and if that's the case, why? It's quite frustrating, because I think the work is brilliant and that people in other countries should be aware of it. When I go back to university I will have to write a dissertation, and I'm starting to think that this could be worthy subject matter - I'd really like to find out why it is this way. I'd like to find a Finnish artist or curator and ask their opinion on this. Artists from other countries are known in England, and some Finnish artists are extremely well known and respected here, so why does that not translate to somewhere else? There seems to be a good enough artistic history and tradition.

The only exception seems to be Tom of Finland, and I think his notoriety stems from the controversy surrounding his work. He does apparently have a gallery representing his work in London, and has had exhibitions in France and USA. Even so, I still had never heard of him before coming here. There's an exhibition of his work on at the moment as part of the Capital of Culture programme, which I'd be interested to see.

I'm glad I have the opportunity to learn about Finnish art, even if other people are still missing out on it. It makes me wonder how much quality art we're missing out on, and I think it's a great shame.

Pervs and British things

Continuing with how thorough the Finnish medical profession are, they decided I needed to be swabbed for bacteria because I spent a day in an English hospital last summer. I had to do this twice, and let's just say that some of the swabs were...invasive. As if a very thorough internal examination wasn't enough. I'll leave it at that.
In addition to Kunto magazine, in Anttila yesterday I noticed a magazine, seemingly aimed at tweenieboppers entitled "Fani." It translates as "fan" but I still laughed. But then, I have to stifle a giggle whenever someone in a shop asks me if I want a bag. For English speakers, that's because the Finnish word for bag is a rather unpleasant word you might use as a name for female genitalia...or to refer to your cat.
This week has also been good for finding British products. I was craving cheese toasties, made with proper cheddar, which is hard to come by here. I'd heard that K-Supermarket sells Cathedral City, which I wouldn't normally buy, but I made a special trip anyway. I don't normally shop there but it was so worth it. I finished the whole block in one evening. That's probably not something to be proud of. This week I've also been reading British Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire. It's really nice to have those magazines. Wicklund has a surprisingly large selection of foreign magazines, including various British ones. It's been a nice treat to have all this stuff available to me. In England I'm constantly reading magazines, so it's nice to have the chance to do that here. Especially as I'm madly stressed from losing both my keys and glasses, and having so many obstacles come up that the Kela stuff still hasn't been dealt with. I feel completely useless this week but I really hope to start getting my shit together from now on. My problem is that I let other people get in the way of what I'm doing, and don't prioritise myself enough. I've really learned that recently, and it has to stop. I need to start working harder on getting what I want and need, even if other people don't want me to.
It feels like there's not enough hours in the day, which is hardly a surprise when someone else promises to help you and then insists on making you watch tv with them all day, ignoring your pleas to go outside and get stuff done. I can't let anyone hold me back or drag me down for a day longer. I'm fed up with promises that don't quite stick, and my time being wasted as a result. From now on I'm sticking with the people who genuinely will help me, not put their desire to stay in bed over my need to get stuff done.

Finnish healthcare

Previously I complained about the healthcare system here, but I have now changed my mind completely. Today I had an appointment with a doctor, for a problem I have had before in England, and the treatment I received here was far superior to what was available in England.
I'm not saying that the doctors in England were uncaring or did a bad job; I had no reason to complain at the time and I still do not think they did anything bad. The difference is that the Finnish medical staff and procedures seem to be much more thorough than in England. When the same problem came up in England, although I was treated very well, my appointment consisted of a bit of chat, a prescription, and that's about it. The doctor I met today examined me much more thoroughly, both physically and through talking, gave me a prescription and also immediately referred me to the clinic next door for blood and urine tests to make sure everything was ok. All the staff I saw today had to speak to me in English, and although I know that many doctors working in England are from other countries (my last GP was Turkish), they are surely much more used to speaking English than the staff in Finland, seeing as they live in an English speaking country, and yet everybody today worked very hard to ensure I understood everything and knew exactly what was going on. I also like the fact that in England if you take a urine sample you usually have to wander around finding someone to give it to, which is a bit embarrassing, but here the toilet in the clinic has a cupboard to put your sample into. Very clever, and much more discreet.
In comparison to a blood test I had in the summer in Enfield, this was a much better experience. It was pretty much painless, whereas in Enfield my arm was in a lot of pain. Maybe that was just the luck of which nurse took the sample though. Another positive is that the doctor took her time - sometimes in England it feels like they want you in and out as quickly as possible, probably because the doctors are overworked and have too many patients to see.
All in all, I'm very impressed with the system here. I'm not best pleased that I'm obliged to pay for this, but as it's only €13 it's hardly going to break the bank. I also think they ought to have some provisions for emergency GP appointments, as they do in England if you're from another country, or even only outside of your local area. I would have really needed to see someone in December, but I was refused an appointment and not given any other help or advice about where I could go, purely because at the time I did not have a social security number. To be honest, if I'd been able to get some assistance then I wouldn't have needed to see a doctor today. At least the treatment I did receive was of a very high quality, and I would not be worried if I needed to see a doctor again in this country.

Moving forward

I'm currently looking into finding my own place to live, which would be really nice to have, but it looks like for a few days I'll be staying in a hostel or hotel, because someone (haha guess who) is making things difficult again. I realise a lot of people will think it's ridiculous, and I have questioned why I'm prepared to go through so much hassle to stay here. I'm sure that if my mother knew about all of this she'd be dragging me back to England herself, and I expect a few other people would share the sentiment. I know why I'm doing this. For a long time I've had my entire life controlled by another person, someone who even admits that I deserve better, and yet makes no attempt to change. So although it might be easier to just leave I'm feeling too defiant to do that. Some of my friends would rather I came home, my father has been of that opinion since day one, and a couple of times I've even wondered what the hell I'm thinking. I'm angry, and I'm refusing to let anyone tell me what is best for me. I've had 18 months of being told what was best for me, but it was never my best interests at heart. I'm going to do exactly what I want, even if it's more difficult, expensive, or risky. I just don't care.
Coming here in the first place was a risk, but obviously I had no idea that things would turn out in such an unfortunate way. Now I want to be here, and the fact that a couple of people want me to come home, even though I'm sure their opinions are based on concern for me and nothing else, makes me more determined and defiant. Also, the easiest way is not necessarily the best way. I'd rather be happy, and ending up living with my parents until autumn would not make me happy. I'd be fucking miserable. This is where I want to be, not forever, but for now at least. I came here, and it doesn't matter why, when or how, what matters to me is that I should get something out of this experience. It's a huge opportunity, and why would I give that up to go work a bullshit temporary job in England? There's so much I want to do. I want to conquer this language one way or another, I want to go to Norway to visit one of my friends who's studying in Bergen for a year, I want to go to Muumimaailma, I want to go to Stockholm, I want to see some other places in Finland...there's a lot of things that would be worth staying for.
Someone told me that if they'd had to put up with the crap I've experienced in the past few months they would have run home crying to their mother long ago. This was not said in a disrespectful way - I think they were trying to say that I was strong for getting through it. I don't think that at all, I think I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and that's the only reason why I haven't done the same thing. Being stubborn and determined is the root of this. Why the hell should I give up just because things didn't go exactly to plan? Plus it's about time I got to do something purely for myself, and not allow anyone else's thoughts to sway me. The time to leave is when I feel ready to and I genuinely want to, not when someone else tells me I should. I'm a bit scared, but that doesn't mean I should give up. The inconvenience of it all annoys me, but hell, life is pretty inconvenient at times. I'm used to inconvenience. I don't expect everyone to agree with me on this but I hope that my friends continue to support and encourage me.
I'm sorry, I'm exhausted, angry and I've had too many bottles of ED.

Positive/Negative

Positive: A couple of days ago I sold my second painting ever! It's not for a lot of money but it's a start. I'm very pleased about that.
Also two very nice ladies in Turku have contacted me after reading this blog to make friends, which is also very nice. One is English, the other is Finnish but previously lived in London and wants to meet someone she can speak to in English. Sounds like my kinda people.

Negative: Those two points aside, the past few days have been absolutely brutal. It's looking more and more likely that I should just go home. In fact, I have a plane ticket, the question is whether or not to use it. If I can stay here then it's possible to just change the date of my flight to a later time, and use it for a holiday or something.
The root of the problem comes from having nowhere to stay. My friends here all seem to have their own problems and priorities right now, which I do understand and am not blaming them for, but as a result no one is able or willing to help me. I'm really disappointed, but I do understand that other people are not sitting around all day waiting, just in case I have a problem that needs solving. It's very annoying that at the moment I could easily afford a deposit for a house, mainly because the UK student loans company messed up and accidentally paid me a new loan installment. However, they've made it clear that they want it back, and I've already spent a fair amount, not realising why there was so much money available to me. At first I thought the bank had made a mistake. With the new suggestions I've had regarding benefits money, as well as my own ideas for making money, there's a chance something could get sorted out to cover rent, but I don't want to make any commitments before finding out for sure.
I'd be miserable if I ended up back in England already, because I feel like I'll be missing out on opportunities here. That was the point of being in this country anyway. As I'd be unable to return to university at this time I'd end up living a pretty boring life with some dead end, short term job, living with my parents in a city I hate. Vantaa suddenly got a lot more appealing, but that plan is also flawed. When things in Turku are steady I'm very happy, and although some people will consider this foolish, I think that being happy is more important. It looks like I have a few days to work out how to stay put. I feel that some kind of miracle would be my only hope, because I think I've exhausted my options.
My personal life is getting really screwed up too, and I keep wondering if all of this would have happened if we'd remained in London. I have no intention of explaining that stuff here though, so unless you know me you'll just have to make up your own version of that story. I will say that this week I realised that my personal situation is holding me back, and I think I'd be capable of doing some big and interesting things if it weren't for that. A small example is my language class - it's a simple thing I'm doing to better myself and to make life a bit easier here, and another person should not be preventing me from going; and due to the problems I'm having, I'm not really in a position to argue with that. I wish my friends and my mother were around, but not to the point that I'd choose to go home. I just need a hug.

Any thoughts?

Reasons to love R-Kioski

I have been here for 3 months now, and it wasn't until today that I recalled that tattoo magazines are more widely available here, as they seem to be in many countries in mainland Europe. On one trip to Amsterdam I think my friend Emma and I bought about 6 between us. In England I only seem to find them in WHSmith, although there is one corner shop in Cockfosters Road with a surprisingly large selection.
The first time I went to Helsinki we went into a shop in Market Square to buy cigarettes, and found loads of tattoo magazines. On my second trip I made it very clear to Jussi that I absolutely had to go to this particular shop to get a magazine. How he did laugh when said shop turned out to be an R-Kioski, a nationwide convenience store chain.
Anyway, I suddenly remembered this today when I was a bit bored, and decided to go get a magazine. There was a decent selection available, one of which was entirely in English, but it seems I had also forgotten the price - all around €10, and I wasn't really keen to spend that much on a single magazine.
Then it got better. What, of all things, did I spy next to the tattoo magazines? BRITISH GLAMOUR! They had InStyle too, but I don't read that so often, whereas Glamour is fairly standard reading for me. It was all in English, and even though it was the international edition, the price wasn't any different to the regular English price. There were separate prices for USA and Canada, but for the rest of the world it's only £2.20, which according to xe.com is a very reasonable €2.55! Unfortunately the current issue is the same one I bought at Heathrow when I was returning from holiday, but I guess in a couple of weeks I'll have to get myself to R-Kioski for the new issue. This really is very pleasing for me - when I went on holiday I was quite surprised to see British Glamour being sold in one shop in Helsinki-Vantaa, so to find it in the shops is really great. Thank you R-Kioski!

In Finland

The trip to the motherland was fairly successful. As a special treat you can see a picture of my cat, who I attempted to teach Finnish to. I thought she managed "moi", but my parents were more convinced it was just a normal cat noise. Hmm. Mainly I ate a ridiculous amount of food and drank about 2 bottles of Lucozade per day. I even had a few bottles left for my suitcase.
As ever, my trip back was very...interesting. It lasted around 23 hours. Great. Due to times and prices of flights not being on my side I got back with SAS and a stopover in Copenhagen. I thoroughly enjoyed Denmark...for the hour I spent there. There are some damn good looking men in that country. Well done Denmark. It's kinda funny to think that I spent yesterday in 3 different countries.
In order to get to Heathrow in time for the flight I had to take 3 trains, the first one leaving at 11.50pm on Friday. When I arrived at 5.30am on Saturday I just wanted to collapse and die. I completely slept through both of my flights, even through the offers of complimentary coffee, which might have helped me.
Eventually, after 2 taxis, 4 trains and 2 flights (that sounds mammoth!) I got safely to Turku and went to bed. It seems that in the past week the snow has been melting, freezing and melting again, because the streets are covered in a lovely looking sludge. Last night in both Turku and Helsinki the snow seemed very thick so maybe it's only just happened. The snow in Helsinki was an absolute joke, even the inside of the train station was exactly the same as in the street. The square outside the station hadn't been cleared at all, and it's a bit silly considering how many people are wandering around there with suitcases, which are almost impossible to carry through snow that thick. It cheered me up that someone there was playing 22 Pistepirkko songs. That's what I expect when I come to Finland!
I'm glad to be back, even though I enjoyed my trip and have certainly learned to appreciate my own nation more after being in another one. The climate was much more pleasant. I did notice, however, how filthy English streets are in comparison to Finnish ones. Seriously, English people - find a bloody bin! I also found that some stuff is much cheaper in Finland, for example cigarettes and public transport. Also, all this talk of vat going up and taxes rising etc made me feel very relieved to be in another country for the time being. Also slightly concerned about going back there in the autumn, but maybe the situation will have calmed down by then. Yeah right...

In England

I'm in Plymouth, after a very delayed flight last night which was filled with screaming kids. Easyjet is always filled with very loud Finnish families. My dad drove all night from Gatwick and got here at 5am. So that worked out to about 15 hours of travel for me. Great... Strangely I enjoyed the bus trip from Turku to Helsinki-Vantaa, it was quite nice to see lots of countryside, it was just the flight and the long wait in the airport that was annoying.
It's strange to be back, in some ways I'd rather be in Turku but there are some nicer things here, such as being able to understand everything and not falling over every time I walk down the street. Now it feels really warm to me, even though other people are complaining of how cold the weather is. I've already purchased a lot of trashy magazines and food; my parents seem to want to fatten me up because today they took me to two different supermarkets to buy vegetarian food.
I won't have much to say this week seeing as I'm in England, but I'll be back next week. It'll probably do me good to have a little rest and hang out with my cat.