Sadly I haven't really enjoyed my week off as there's been so much drama and trouble. It seems like there's something every single day. The main thing has been that one member of my household has developed a habit of stealing food and alcohol. A couple of days ago the culprit burst into tears and confessed all. We had suspected her anyway, as she was the only person who didn't seem remotely concerned by all this, but still, it's created a lot of tension. She's made it worse for herself by, so far, failing to replace the many items she has stolen from everyone else, being unable to give any explanation for her behaviour, despite claiming that she can't stop thinking about what she's done, and generally causing a lot of hurt by lying to our faces, and leading others to become suspicious and think badly of each other.
Aside from that there's been arguments, a car crash, unpleasant blog comments, and more unwanted contact from my ex boyfriend. So this week just gets better and better. I wish I was working so I at least had a distraction.
Today I'm feeling quite miserable; all this is getting a bit too much. I'm trying to stay optimistic that it will all blow over soon. I've got a few things to look forward to, for example my birthday next weekend, hopefully getting a new tattoo before the month is out, and a trip to Tampere, and I just hope that these things won't get ruined by further problems. Right now I'd like to get far away from here and just forget what is going on. I haven't had such an unpleasant week in a while.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Worrying again
So social services effectively told me to fuck myself...because apparently when I split up with my boyfriend I should have had money to live on...which I did, briefly, but that happened a while ago and is not really the case anymore. I'm not even asking for them to support me completely, I only want help with my rent. We went to see them just in case Kela were difficult, but Kela is looking to be the more likely option. They've told me that everything seems to be in order, and I know logically that I've given them all the necessary information and that there isn't really a reason why they shouldn't assist me, but how many other times have I been told something by the authorities here which didn't quite pan out? I have a horrible suspicion that something will crop up to ruin everything, and that really upsets me.
Now I'm waiting for Kela's decision about me, but before deciding on whether to pay housing benefits they need to decide whether I should be covered by Finnish social security. I'm quite sure I should, as I have a valid social security number, and have worked and paid taxes in this country, and they said those were the requirements. Now they have a copy of my work contract, so they know that for a fact.
I had a bit of a wobble earlier, and my emergency plan consisted of crying a lot. Now I've thought of a couple of alternative options. Tomorrow I'm going to the employment agency, who should be able to help me properly now, to see if they can hook me up with some suitable jobs. I have no idea why I didn't do that before, seeing as it's blindingly obvious, but it's definitely worth trying. Last night I also contacted a family in Turku who are seeking an English speaking au pere for three months. If that worked out it would be absolutely ideal. In the worst case scenario the employment people can sort me out under the integration law, which basically means they'll give me enough money to live on if I attend a language school for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. This was suggested when I first arrived but I was not eligible at that time. That's not ideal for me; I'd feel like a schoolgirl, and I'd prefer to work and be a bit more productive, but if it comes to it I'd accept that.
What's really annoying me now is that when I got my social security number everyone told me that would give me the same rights as a Finnish person, and that basically I would be considered as a Finnish citizen, and it's just not true. Having the number or paying taxes here doesn't matter, they will still withhold help because I was born in a different country. That must be the only reason - I have everything in order, I have a valid number, I have worked here and am willing to continue doing so, but I'm still struggling to get help when I need it. I'm pretty sure that if I had a Finnish passport this would not happen. Emmi pointed out the injustice that some people just show up here, hold out their hands and get everything, whereas I have contributed, and would gladly continue to do so, but consistently get rejected. I know this happens in other countries too, including mine, and that there are probably many native Finnish people who find themselves with the same problems as me, just like native British people who don't get support when they need it. Sometimes I really wonder what I'm doing here. I want to stay, but sometimes it's a complete joke. I've been lucky so far - when things have been going wrong something has come up to rescue me for a little while longer - and I hope my luck doesn't run out now.
Now I'm waiting for Kela's decision about me, but before deciding on whether to pay housing benefits they need to decide whether I should be covered by Finnish social security. I'm quite sure I should, as I have a valid social security number, and have worked and paid taxes in this country, and they said those were the requirements. Now they have a copy of my work contract, so they know that for a fact.
I had a bit of a wobble earlier, and my emergency plan consisted of crying a lot. Now I've thought of a couple of alternative options. Tomorrow I'm going to the employment agency, who should be able to help me properly now, to see if they can hook me up with some suitable jobs. I have no idea why I didn't do that before, seeing as it's blindingly obvious, but it's definitely worth trying. Last night I also contacted a family in Turku who are seeking an English speaking au pere for three months. If that worked out it would be absolutely ideal. In the worst case scenario the employment people can sort me out under the integration law, which basically means they'll give me enough money to live on if I attend a language school for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. This was suggested when I first arrived but I was not eligible at that time. That's not ideal for me; I'd feel like a schoolgirl, and I'd prefer to work and be a bit more productive, but if it comes to it I'd accept that.
What's really annoying me now is that when I got my social security number everyone told me that would give me the same rights as a Finnish person, and that basically I would be considered as a Finnish citizen, and it's just not true. Having the number or paying taxes here doesn't matter, they will still withhold help because I was born in a different country. That must be the only reason - I have everything in order, I have a valid number, I have worked here and am willing to continue doing so, but I'm still struggling to get help when I need it. I'm pretty sure that if I had a Finnish passport this would not happen. Emmi pointed out the injustice that some people just show up here, hold out their hands and get everything, whereas I have contributed, and would gladly continue to do so, but consistently get rejected. I know this happens in other countries too, including mine, and that there are probably many native Finnish people who find themselves with the same problems as me, just like native British people who don't get support when they need it. Sometimes I really wonder what I'm doing here. I want to stay, but sometimes it's a complete joke. I've been lucky so far - when things have been going wrong something has come up to rescue me for a little while longer - and I hope my luck doesn't run out now.
Monday, 7 March 2011
The one where I stand up for the Finns
Whilst having a casual browse on Google - meaning I was googling myself (come on, we've all done it) - I found this discussion on Uranus.fi, and I have to say I was absolutely shocked! The conversation seems to have been going on for about five years, and is full of negative, seemingly bitter, comments about Finland and Finnish people. Some people were making quite scary suggestions about this country being a fascist police state, which I don't really know about but still find to be slightly outrageous, but some of the comments made about Finnish people were unbelievable.
If you knew absolutely nothing about Finland and then read those messages you'd be lead to believe that Finnish people are essentially bitter, evil, alcoholic neo-Nazis who hate anything non-Finnish, refuse to accept any kind of multi-culturalism, and possess no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Based on my own experiences with Finnish people I have found the opposite to be the case.
Many people there seemed to be complaining of feeling lonely and isolated. Fair enough, I think that would be an inevitable part of moving to any new country with a different culture, but most people there seemed to blame this completely on the personalities of Finnish people. Apparently they forgot that every single person has their own personality. Of course, wherever you go, there will be unfriendly, disinterested and intolerant people, but the people discussing this were implying there was some kind of collective personality which applied to every Finnish individual.
I found many of the comments to be completely ludicrous. I have not found it insanely difficult to make friends here, and the vast majority of people who I consider to be friends here are Finnish. I only know two or three people from other countries. Several of the friends I have now contacted me through e-mail or Facebook after reading this blog, telling me they lived in Turku and inviting me to do things with them or asking to meet me. Why would such cold, unfriendly people be initiating contact like that?
It certainly wasn't because they wanted something from me. On the contrary, all the Finnish people I know have been willing and eager to help me with both personal stuff and the boring official stuff which is hard for me to handle on my own, without expecting to gain anything in return. These people have gone out of their way to assist me in multiple ways. A lady who lives in another city, and who I will probably never meet, sent me two packages of cutlery and oven gloves, just because I needed them and she didn't. One particular person I met through this blog shortly after I came here has acted as my friend, babysitter, and translator, despite having her own life and problems to deal with, and she has never complained once. She is among a number of people here who have done more for me than I could ever have expected or asked for, and even when this experience is over, I will remain forever grateful to them for giving me so much help during a difficult time. They all know who they are, and they can be sure that if they ever need the favour repaid I would not hesitate for a moment.
Another point made several times in that discussion was that Finnish women are apparently extremely wary and jealous of foreign women, whether they are single or not, and that Finnish women have directly told foreign women that they feel this way. Since coming to this country I have been both in a long term relationship and single, and I know single and attached women here, so I think I can view this from all sides. I can honestly say that no woman I know here has ever acted jealously towards me or seemed to be threatened by me. The ones with partners have never been irrationally suspicious or jealous about me talking to or being around their boyfriends, nor have single women acted like I'm out to steal all the Finnish men from them. If anyone has had these feelings towards me, they've disguised them very well and deserve an Oscar.
Other comments were made about Finns, particularly men, being incapable of having a committed, loving relationship. I only have one person to judge that on, and that didn't exactly work out right, but I'm not going to claim that every Finnish man is exactly the same. I suspect that that is what some of the ladies making those comments were doing - one relationship went wrong so they made a sweeping generalisation. Realistically, as in every country, there will be some men who are no good and some who are wonderful. The other Finnish men I know with partners seem to be doing well enough when it comes to maintaining a good relationship.
I have also met a few people who I found to be unpleasant. However, that would happen anywhere, and the number of pleasant people I have met far outweighs a few people who I disliked.
At least a few people in that discussion seemed to be a bit more positive towards this country and its people, but they were clearly a minority. It's inevitable that some people will have negative experiences here, but it was so strange that the comments made were vastly different to my own experiences and conclusions. I think it's very sad that those people have such a miserable and hateful point of view, and it's very ironic that alongside these narrow-minded generalisations many of them complained about Finnish people being racist and intolerant. Why they remain in this dreadful, secret-police riddled country with these evil bastards is a mystery to me. It's a shame that these ideas are being touted on the internet because there already seem to be some misconceptions about Finland. I have been asked by English people how I got the right to live in a "communist soviet country." They weren't joking either.
Bloody hell. All of this has exhausted me a bit, but I was too shocked to not mention it. I was just going to watch a film and go to bed, I have to get up early in the morning to go to Kela.
If you knew absolutely nothing about Finland and then read those messages you'd be lead to believe that Finnish people are essentially bitter, evil, alcoholic neo-Nazis who hate anything non-Finnish, refuse to accept any kind of multi-culturalism, and possess no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Based on my own experiences with Finnish people I have found the opposite to be the case.
Many people there seemed to be complaining of feeling lonely and isolated. Fair enough, I think that would be an inevitable part of moving to any new country with a different culture, but most people there seemed to blame this completely on the personalities of Finnish people. Apparently they forgot that every single person has their own personality. Of course, wherever you go, there will be unfriendly, disinterested and intolerant people, but the people discussing this were implying there was some kind of collective personality which applied to every Finnish individual.
I found many of the comments to be completely ludicrous. I have not found it insanely difficult to make friends here, and the vast majority of people who I consider to be friends here are Finnish. I only know two or three people from other countries. Several of the friends I have now contacted me through e-mail or Facebook after reading this blog, telling me they lived in Turku and inviting me to do things with them or asking to meet me. Why would such cold, unfriendly people be initiating contact like that?
It certainly wasn't because they wanted something from me. On the contrary, all the Finnish people I know have been willing and eager to help me with both personal stuff and the boring official stuff which is hard for me to handle on my own, without expecting to gain anything in return. These people have gone out of their way to assist me in multiple ways. A lady who lives in another city, and who I will probably never meet, sent me two packages of cutlery and oven gloves, just because I needed them and she didn't. One particular person I met through this blog shortly after I came here has acted as my friend, babysitter, and translator, despite having her own life and problems to deal with, and she has never complained once. She is among a number of people here who have done more for me than I could ever have expected or asked for, and even when this experience is over, I will remain forever grateful to them for giving me so much help during a difficult time. They all know who they are, and they can be sure that if they ever need the favour repaid I would not hesitate for a moment.
Another point made several times in that discussion was that Finnish women are apparently extremely wary and jealous of foreign women, whether they are single or not, and that Finnish women have directly told foreign women that they feel this way. Since coming to this country I have been both in a long term relationship and single, and I know single and attached women here, so I think I can view this from all sides. I can honestly say that no woman I know here has ever acted jealously towards me or seemed to be threatened by me. The ones with partners have never been irrationally suspicious or jealous about me talking to or being around their boyfriends, nor have single women acted like I'm out to steal all the Finnish men from them. If anyone has had these feelings towards me, they've disguised them very well and deserve an Oscar.
Other comments were made about Finns, particularly men, being incapable of having a committed, loving relationship. I only have one person to judge that on, and that didn't exactly work out right, but I'm not going to claim that every Finnish man is exactly the same. I suspect that that is what some of the ladies making those comments were doing - one relationship went wrong so they made a sweeping generalisation. Realistically, as in every country, there will be some men who are no good and some who are wonderful. The other Finnish men I know with partners seem to be doing well enough when it comes to maintaining a good relationship.
I have also met a few people who I found to be unpleasant. However, that would happen anywhere, and the number of pleasant people I have met far outweighs a few people who I disliked.
At least a few people in that discussion seemed to be a bit more positive towards this country and its people, but they were clearly a minority. It's inevitable that some people will have negative experiences here, but it was so strange that the comments made were vastly different to my own experiences and conclusions. I think it's very sad that those people have such a miserable and hateful point of view, and it's very ironic that alongside these narrow-minded generalisations many of them complained about Finnish people being racist and intolerant. Why they remain in this dreadful, secret-police riddled country with these evil bastards is a mystery to me. It's a shame that these ideas are being touted on the internet because there already seem to be some misconceptions about Finland. I have been asked by English people how I got the right to live in a "communist soviet country." They weren't joking either.
Bloody hell. All of this has exhausted me a bit, but I was too shocked to not mention it. I was just going to watch a film and go to bed, I have to get up early in the morning to go to Kela.
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
Mixed day
I had a nice afternoon, finally meeting an English person who lives here, plus her Finnish husband and their son. It was quite nice to hear a real live English voice, not just on the phone or Skype. They were very nice, and their little boy is the cutest thing I ever saw. That's coming from someone who isn't that keen on small children. I think that through these new friends I'll be able to meet a few more British people, as they seem to be quite involved with the little crew of expatriates in Turku. Not that there's anything wrong with Finnish people; it's just nice to spend time with people from the same culture and background as me who understand exactly what it's like to be in my position. As they've lived here a lot longer than I have they're also able to give me some help and advice on various things. We also went to Little Britannia and I got pickled onion flavoured Space Raiders, although my Finnish flatmates still find pickled onions crisps to be a completely confusing, and quite disgusting, concept. They are very wrong.
This evening went a bit more to shit. A certain person still seems to have little better to do than to fuck with me. I was really upset earlier, but after getting home and chatting for a couple of hours with my flatmates I feel better, and I realise that there's not much for me to be upset over, as there are plenty of people who will take care of me and see the good in me. That individual will always try to convince me that I'm responsible for anything going wrong - his behaviour, the weather, nuclear war...
I can see I'm in a much better position now. He tried to convince me I've fucked up my life by ending up here, reminding me constantly that if I'd stayed in London I'd have graduated in a few months. Yeah, fair point, but look at what's happening instead. I'm painting and selling artwork regularly, I'm writing, and about 100 people each day are paying attention to that, I live in a city and country I've grown to love, I'm learning and having new experiences all the time, making a bunch of new friends, and there are some opportunities in place for getting work into exhibitions and galleries. So I pretty much have the life I always wanted, and have been working towards gaining since I was 13 or 14 years old. Problem?
I'm well aware, more than anybody else, that coming here was not the most considered or sensible idea, and things certainly did not work out as they were intended to. It's really hard sometimes, but it could be a hell of a lot worse. Perseverance has done a lot for me recently. I also know that whenever I feel a bit shaken up or insecure, I tend to rant like this on here, partially to prove a point to myself, and partially in the hope that someone will tell me everything's ok. Like my best friend said to me a while ago, you're never really alone, and sometimes just knowing someone is thinking of you somewhere is enough to make you feel ok again.
Being in Finland, and this day in particular, has made me realise that there are plenty of good people in the world, and a lot of people do want to help, however they can, without it needing to benefit them. Whether you're as low as you can go, or you just need a bit of help with something small, there are people who want to do something for you. Maybe you just have to be lucky enough to find them. I think I've been lucky.
This evening went a bit more to shit. A certain person still seems to have little better to do than to fuck with me. I was really upset earlier, but after getting home and chatting for a couple of hours with my flatmates I feel better, and I realise that there's not much for me to be upset over, as there are plenty of people who will take care of me and see the good in me. That individual will always try to convince me that I'm responsible for anything going wrong - his behaviour, the weather, nuclear war...
I can see I'm in a much better position now. He tried to convince me I've fucked up my life by ending up here, reminding me constantly that if I'd stayed in London I'd have graduated in a few months. Yeah, fair point, but look at what's happening instead. I'm painting and selling artwork regularly, I'm writing, and about 100 people each day are paying attention to that, I live in a city and country I've grown to love, I'm learning and having new experiences all the time, making a bunch of new friends, and there are some opportunities in place for getting work into exhibitions and galleries. So I pretty much have the life I always wanted, and have been working towards gaining since I was 13 or 14 years old. Problem?
I'm well aware, more than anybody else, that coming here was not the most considered or sensible idea, and things certainly did not work out as they were intended to. It's really hard sometimes, but it could be a hell of a lot worse. Perseverance has done a lot for me recently. I also know that whenever I feel a bit shaken up or insecure, I tend to rant like this on here, partially to prove a point to myself, and partially in the hope that someone will tell me everything's ok. Like my best friend said to me a while ago, you're never really alone, and sometimes just knowing someone is thinking of you somewhere is enough to make you feel ok again.
Being in Finland, and this day in particular, has made me realise that there are plenty of good people in the world, and a lot of people do want to help, however they can, without it needing to benefit them. Whether you're as low as you can go, or you just need a bit of help with something small, there are people who want to do something for you. Maybe you just have to be lucky enough to find them. I think I've been lucky.
Friday, 25 February 2011
Pervs and British things
Continuing with how thorough the Finnish medical profession are, they decided I needed to be swabbed for bacteria because I spent a day in an English hospital last summer. I had to do this twice, and let's just say that some of the swabs were...invasive. As if a very thorough internal examination wasn't enough. I'll leave it at that.
In addition to Kunto magazine, in Anttila yesterday I noticed a magazine, seemingly aimed at tweenieboppers entitled "Fani." It translates as "fan" but I still laughed. But then, I have to stifle a giggle whenever someone in a shop asks me if I want a bag. For English speakers, that's because the Finnish word for bag is a rather unpleasant word you might use as a name for female genitalia...or to refer to your cat.
This week has also been good for finding British products. I was craving cheese toasties, made with proper cheddar, which is hard to come by here. I'd heard that K-Supermarket sells Cathedral City, which I wouldn't normally buy, but I made a special trip anyway. I don't normally shop there but it was so worth it. I finished the whole block in one evening. That's probably not something to be proud of. This week I've also been reading British Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire. It's really nice to have those magazines. Wicklund has a surprisingly large selection of foreign magazines, including various British ones. It's been a nice treat to have all this stuff available to me. In England I'm constantly reading magazines, so it's nice to have the chance to do that here. Especially as I'm madly stressed from losing both my keys and glasses, and having so many obstacles come up that the Kela stuff still hasn't been dealt with. I feel completely useless this week but I really hope to start getting my shit together from now on. My problem is that I let other people get in the way of what I'm doing, and don't prioritise myself enough. I've really learned that recently, and it has to stop. I need to start working harder on getting what I want and need, even if other people don't want me to.
It feels like there's not enough hours in the day, which is hardly a surprise when someone else promises to help you and then insists on making you watch tv with them all day, ignoring your pleas to go outside and get stuff done. I can't let anyone hold me back or drag me down for a day longer. I'm fed up with promises that don't quite stick, and my time being wasted as a result. From now on I'm sticking with the people who genuinely will help me, not put their desire to stay in bed over my need to get stuff done.
In addition to Kunto magazine, in Anttila yesterday I noticed a magazine, seemingly aimed at tweenieboppers entitled "Fani." It translates as "fan" but I still laughed. But then, I have to stifle a giggle whenever someone in a shop asks me if I want a bag. For English speakers, that's because the Finnish word for bag is a rather unpleasant word you might use as a name for female genitalia...or to refer to your cat.
This week has also been good for finding British products. I was craving cheese toasties, made with proper cheddar, which is hard to come by here. I'd heard that K-Supermarket sells Cathedral City, which I wouldn't normally buy, but I made a special trip anyway. I don't normally shop there but it was so worth it. I finished the whole block in one evening. That's probably not something to be proud of. This week I've also been reading British Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire. It's really nice to have those magazines. Wicklund has a surprisingly large selection of foreign magazines, including various British ones. It's been a nice treat to have all this stuff available to me. In England I'm constantly reading magazines, so it's nice to have the chance to do that here. Especially as I'm madly stressed from losing both my keys and glasses, and having so many obstacles come up that the Kela stuff still hasn't been dealt with. I feel completely useless this week but I really hope to start getting my shit together from now on. My problem is that I let other people get in the way of what I'm doing, and don't prioritise myself enough. I've really learned that recently, and it has to stop. I need to start working harder on getting what I want and need, even if other people don't want me to.
It feels like there's not enough hours in the day, which is hardly a surprise when someone else promises to help you and then insists on making you watch tv with them all day, ignoring your pleas to go outside and get stuff done. I can't let anyone hold me back or drag me down for a day longer. I'm fed up with promises that don't quite stick, and my time being wasted as a result. From now on I'm sticking with the people who genuinely will help me, not put their desire to stay in bed over my need to get stuff done.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Moving forward
I'm currently looking into finding my own place to live, which would be really nice to have, but it looks like for a few days I'll be staying in a hostel or hotel, because someone (haha guess who) is making things difficult again. I realise a lot of people will think it's ridiculous, and I have questioned why I'm prepared to go through so much hassle to stay here. I'm sure that if my mother knew about all of this she'd be dragging me back to England herself, and I expect a few other people would share the sentiment. I know why I'm doing this. For a long time I've had my entire life controlled by another person, someone who even admits that I deserve better, and yet makes no attempt to change. So although it might be easier to just leave I'm feeling too defiant to do that. Some of my friends would rather I came home, my father has been of that opinion since day one, and a couple of times I've even wondered what the hell I'm thinking. I'm angry, and I'm refusing to let anyone tell me what is best for me. I've had 18 months of being told what was best for me, but it was never my best interests at heart. I'm going to do exactly what I want, even if it's more difficult, expensive, or risky. I just don't care.
Coming here in the first place was a risk, but obviously I had no idea that things would turn out in such an unfortunate way. Now I want to be here, and the fact that a couple of people want me to come home, even though I'm sure their opinions are based on concern for me and nothing else, makes me more determined and defiant. Also, the easiest way is not necessarily the best way. I'd rather be happy, and ending up living with my parents until autumn would not make me happy. I'd be fucking miserable. This is where I want to be, not forever, but for now at least. I came here, and it doesn't matter why, when or how, what matters to me is that I should get something out of this experience. It's a huge opportunity, and why would I give that up to go work a bullshit temporary job in England? There's so much I want to do. I want to conquer this language one way or another, I want to go to Norway to visit one of my friends who's studying in Bergen for a year, I want to go to Muumimaailma, I want to go to Stockholm, I want to see some other places in Finland...there's a lot of things that would be worth staying for.
Someone told me that if they'd had to put up with the crap I've experienced in the past few months they would have run home crying to their mother long ago. This was not said in a disrespectful way - I think they were trying to say that I was strong for getting through it. I don't think that at all, I think I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and that's the only reason why I haven't done the same thing. Being stubborn and determined is the root of this. Why the hell should I give up just because things didn't go exactly to plan? Plus it's about time I got to do something purely for myself, and not allow anyone else's thoughts to sway me. The time to leave is when I feel ready to and I genuinely want to, not when someone else tells me I should. I'm a bit scared, but that doesn't mean I should give up. The inconvenience of it all annoys me, but hell, life is pretty inconvenient at times. I'm used to inconvenience. I don't expect everyone to agree with me on this but I hope that my friends continue to support and encourage me.
I'm sorry, I'm exhausted, angry and I've had too many bottles of ED.
Coming here in the first place was a risk, but obviously I had no idea that things would turn out in such an unfortunate way. Now I want to be here, and the fact that a couple of people want me to come home, even though I'm sure their opinions are based on concern for me and nothing else, makes me more determined and defiant. Also, the easiest way is not necessarily the best way. I'd rather be happy, and ending up living with my parents until autumn would not make me happy. I'd be fucking miserable. This is where I want to be, not forever, but for now at least. I came here, and it doesn't matter why, when or how, what matters to me is that I should get something out of this experience. It's a huge opportunity, and why would I give that up to go work a bullshit temporary job in England? There's so much I want to do. I want to conquer this language one way or another, I want to go to Norway to visit one of my friends who's studying in Bergen for a year, I want to go to Muumimaailma, I want to go to Stockholm, I want to see some other places in Finland...there's a lot of things that would be worth staying for.
Someone told me that if they'd had to put up with the crap I've experienced in the past few months they would have run home crying to their mother long ago. This was not said in a disrespectful way - I think they were trying to say that I was strong for getting through it. I don't think that at all, I think I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and that's the only reason why I haven't done the same thing. Being stubborn and determined is the root of this. Why the hell should I give up just because things didn't go exactly to plan? Plus it's about time I got to do something purely for myself, and not allow anyone else's thoughts to sway me. The time to leave is when I feel ready to and I genuinely want to, not when someone else tells me I should. I'm a bit scared, but that doesn't mean I should give up. The inconvenience of it all annoys me, but hell, life is pretty inconvenient at times. I'm used to inconvenience. I don't expect everyone to agree with me on this but I hope that my friends continue to support and encourage me.
I'm sorry, I'm exhausted, angry and I've had too many bottles of ED.
Saturday, 5 February 2011
Positive/Negative
Positive: A couple of days ago I sold my second painting ever! It's not for a lot of money but it's a start. I'm very pleased about that.
Also two very nice ladies in Turku have contacted me after reading this blog to make friends, which is also very nice. One is English, the other is Finnish but previously lived in London and wants to meet someone she can speak to in English. Sounds like my kinda people.
Negative: Those two points aside, the past few days have been absolutely brutal. It's looking more and more likely that I should just go home. In fact, I have a plane ticket, the question is whether or not to use it. If I can stay here then it's possible to just change the date of my flight to a later time, and use it for a holiday or something.
The root of the problem comes from having nowhere to stay. My friends here all seem to have their own problems and priorities right now, which I do understand and am not blaming them for, but as a result no one is able or willing to help me. I'm really disappointed, but I do understand that other people are not sitting around all day waiting, just in case I have a problem that needs solving. It's very annoying that at the moment I could easily afford a deposit for a house, mainly because the UK student loans company messed up and accidentally paid me a new loan installment. However, they've made it clear that they want it back, and I've already spent a fair amount, not realising why there was so much money available to me. At first I thought the bank had made a mistake. With the new suggestions I've had regarding benefits money, as well as my own ideas for making money, there's a chance something could get sorted out to cover rent, but I don't want to make any commitments before finding out for sure.
I'd be miserable if I ended up back in England already, because I feel like I'll be missing out on opportunities here. That was the point of being in this country anyway. As I'd be unable to return to university at this time I'd end up living a pretty boring life with some dead end, short term job, living with my parents in a city I hate. Vantaa suddenly got a lot more appealing, but that plan is also flawed. When things in Turku are steady I'm very happy, and although some people will consider this foolish, I think that being happy is more important. It looks like I have a few days to work out how to stay put. I feel that some kind of miracle would be my only hope, because I think I've exhausted my options.
My personal life is getting really screwed up too, and I keep wondering if all of this would have happened if we'd remained in London. I have no intention of explaining that stuff here though, so unless you know me you'll just have to make up your own version of that story. I will say that this week I realised that my personal situation is holding me back, and I think I'd be capable of doing some big and interesting things if it weren't for that. A small example is my language class - it's a simple thing I'm doing to better myself and to make life a bit easier here, and another person should not be preventing me from going; and due to the problems I'm having, I'm not really in a position to argue with that. I wish my friends and my mother were around, but not to the point that I'd choose to go home. I just need a hug.
Any thoughts?
Also two very nice ladies in Turku have contacted me after reading this blog to make friends, which is also very nice. One is English, the other is Finnish but previously lived in London and wants to meet someone she can speak to in English. Sounds like my kinda people.
Negative: Those two points aside, the past few days have been absolutely brutal. It's looking more and more likely that I should just go home. In fact, I have a plane ticket, the question is whether or not to use it. If I can stay here then it's possible to just change the date of my flight to a later time, and use it for a holiday or something.
The root of the problem comes from having nowhere to stay. My friends here all seem to have their own problems and priorities right now, which I do understand and am not blaming them for, but as a result no one is able or willing to help me. I'm really disappointed, but I do understand that other people are not sitting around all day waiting, just in case I have a problem that needs solving. It's very annoying that at the moment I could easily afford a deposit for a house, mainly because the UK student loans company messed up and accidentally paid me a new loan installment. However, they've made it clear that they want it back, and I've already spent a fair amount, not realising why there was so much money available to me. At first I thought the bank had made a mistake. With the new suggestions I've had regarding benefits money, as well as my own ideas for making money, there's a chance something could get sorted out to cover rent, but I don't want to make any commitments before finding out for sure.
I'd be miserable if I ended up back in England already, because I feel like I'll be missing out on opportunities here. That was the point of being in this country anyway. As I'd be unable to return to university at this time I'd end up living a pretty boring life with some dead end, short term job, living with my parents in a city I hate. Vantaa suddenly got a lot more appealing, but that plan is also flawed. When things in Turku are steady I'm very happy, and although some people will consider this foolish, I think that being happy is more important. It looks like I have a few days to work out how to stay put. I feel that some kind of miracle would be my only hope, because I think I've exhausted my options.
My personal life is getting really screwed up too, and I keep wondering if all of this would have happened if we'd remained in London. I have no intention of explaining that stuff here though, so unless you know me you'll just have to make up your own version of that story. I will say that this week I realised that my personal situation is holding me back, and I think I'd be capable of doing some big and interesting things if it weren't for that. A small example is my language class - it's a simple thing I'm doing to better myself and to make life a bit easier here, and another person should not be preventing me from going; and due to the problems I'm having, I'm not really in a position to argue with that. I wish my friends and my mother were around, but not to the point that I'd choose to go home. I just need a hug.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Voi Vittu
I feel like I'm just a bit screwed. I called the stamp shop today and my boss won't have any work for me until March. Finding another job is proving to be very difficult, due to my poor Finnish ability. I've contacted two English language pre-schools, Little Britannia, The Castle, cleaning jobs, and plenty of independent people looking for English speaking au peres or babysitters and nothing is coming up yet. A lot of the jobs that don't require Finnish are based in the capital. It doesn't help that all of my previous employment has been customer service based, which would be near impossible here. I couldn't even work in a supermarket. I can't survive on thin air, and now I'm really starting to think it's about time I admitted that things didn't go to plan here and I should go home.
Obviously I'd much rather be able to continue my life here but without an income that's not really possible. I have plenty of free time but I can rarely go and do something enjoyable without any money. Everything feels very empty in my life.
I have a couple of ideas that I could still try: printing adverts in Finnish for an art/English tutor, which I'd be quite keen to do anyway, possibly printing another advert as a cleaner or babysitter, trying to sell some artwork, and this is a very long shot, but making a portfolio on a USB and going to some small independent galleries I've seen to try to convince them they want my work. The commercial galleries here seem to be less exclusive than the London ones - aside from one particular gallery they all seem to have lots of different works by different artists crammed together, rather than focussing on one practitioner or theme. Even if that was a successful venture it wouldn't necessarily guarantee money, but I'm at the point that I need to try anything. I'm thinking I should set up an Etsy account too. If something doesn't come up very soon I'm probably going to have to call it a day on this one. I knew my prospects in this country weren't that great, and I've always been realistic about what's possible for me here, but I honestly didn't realise it would be so hard. Tomorrow I should probably go to the employment agency and see if they can help, but previously their only suggestions were cleaning ferries, which I applied for, and working for Nokia, although the Nokia website now says that speaking Finnish is a requirement, so maybe their rules have changed.
If anyone has any suggestions, however outlandish, of potential jobs or ways to earn money I'm willing to listen, and probably give it a shot. With the exception of prostitution, my standards are pretty low right now so I'll do anything. I don't care if it's weird, or even just irregular, because a number of irregular jobs might add up to something worthwhile. I would be extremely grateful for some help from any source.
Obviously I'd much rather be able to continue my life here but without an income that's not really possible. I have plenty of free time but I can rarely go and do something enjoyable without any money. Everything feels very empty in my life.
I have a couple of ideas that I could still try: printing adverts in Finnish for an art/English tutor, which I'd be quite keen to do anyway, possibly printing another advert as a cleaner or babysitter, trying to sell some artwork, and this is a very long shot, but making a portfolio on a USB and going to some small independent galleries I've seen to try to convince them they want my work. The commercial galleries here seem to be less exclusive than the London ones - aside from one particular gallery they all seem to have lots of different works by different artists crammed together, rather than focussing on one practitioner or theme. Even if that was a successful venture it wouldn't necessarily guarantee money, but I'm at the point that I need to try anything. I'm thinking I should set up an Etsy account too. If something doesn't come up very soon I'm probably going to have to call it a day on this one. I knew my prospects in this country weren't that great, and I've always been realistic about what's possible for me here, but I honestly didn't realise it would be so hard. Tomorrow I should probably go to the employment agency and see if they can help, but previously their only suggestions were cleaning ferries, which I applied for, and working for Nokia, although the Nokia website now says that speaking Finnish is a requirement, so maybe their rules have changed.
If anyone has any suggestions, however outlandish, of potential jobs or ways to earn money I'm willing to listen, and probably give it a shot. With the exception of prostitution, my standards are pretty low right now so I'll do anything. I don't care if it's weird, or even just irregular, because a number of irregular jobs might add up to something worthwhile. I would be extremely grateful for some help from any source.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
I suck at going to language classes
I've enrolled on a language course. I should have started tonight. The place where I thought the class was really wasn't it. After wandering around feeling very confused and useless for a while, and being directed to the information desk, which very helpfully shut at 3pm, 5 hours before everything else, I found a sign with the correct information for my class. Seeing as the address meant nothing to me I guess tonight is a write-off. It's quite stupid that of the three classes for this course, only one is in that place, which I believe to be their main building, but they didn't think it was worth mentioning where the other classes were.
The classes are every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday; they started this week and now I'm really scared that when I do get there everyone else will be jibjabbing away in amazing Finnish, whilst I sit there saying "Minä olen Englantilainen" over and over again and banging my head against the wall. There's apparently a textbook I need too - maybe if I buy it at the weekend and read the whole thing before Monday I'll stand a fighting chance.
So right now the työväenopisto is not my favourite thing. Not only for completely failing to mention at any time where this class is but for the fact all their correspondence to me and their website is in Finnish. If I understood all of that I wouldn't have signed up for "Finnish for Foreigners" would I? Wankers.
The classes are every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday; they started this week and now I'm really scared that when I do get there everyone else will be jibjabbing away in amazing Finnish, whilst I sit there saying "Minä olen Englantilainen" over and over again and banging my head against the wall. There's apparently a textbook I need too - maybe if I buy it at the weekend and read the whole thing before Monday I'll stand a fighting chance.
So right now the työväenopisto is not my favourite thing. Not only for completely failing to mention at any time where this class is but for the fact all their correspondence to me and their website is in Finnish. If I understood all of that I wouldn't have signed up for "Finnish for Foreigners" would I? Wankers.
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Damn the doctors
As predicted, the trip to the doctor was an experience. I didn't even get as far as the doctor. Just an elderly assistant with a very limited knowledge of English - thank god Emma was around to translate, if I'd been alone I'd have been screwed. Even when she asked for my date of birth Emma had to translate the month and year for her. Even the names of the medication were a problem, because although the name is the same it's pronounced differently - in Finnish "y" is generally pronounced as "oo".
The EHIC card actually is useless here, but the assistant also claims there's not enough time to treat the Finnish patients, let alone the dirty immigrant skanks. She probably didn't use those exact words but whatever. Again they had to check we were in the correct place, and didn't seem to have a clue, no one seems to know what's going on.
As things were so awkward, her only suggestion was to ask my doctor in England to contact a pharmacy in the area and arrange to send a prescription for me directly to them. When we got home Emma called the chemist to find out if this would be acceptable, and they said no. Because my doctor has no license to practice in Finland his prescription would not be legal here, plus they've probably never even seen a British NHS prescription, so how could they possibly know if it was genuine? Someone could have knocked it up on a computer for all they know. I think it's completely understandable from their perspective, even if it's annoying for me. To be honest I'm feeling ok so maybe it's not that important to get the proper medication after all, and I don't think I really need to be taking the contraceptive pill right now...
But really, communication within the health service here seems to be shocking, and none of the staff seem to know what's going on. I cannot possibly be the only person in this country who's ever needed medical attention and didn't have social security, and I'm quite shocked that the provisions for such people are so pathetic. For now I'm not worrying too much, and I guess if things get too bad I can go to the emergency department and cause a big old scene. At least I don't have a problem like diabetes for example, where going without medication could be a disaster. Have I really found a health service worse than the NHS?
I'm still applying for jobs and advertising myself:http://www.finlandforum.org/viewtopic.php?f=37&t=49813 and http://www.finlandforum.org/viewtopic.php?f=37&t=49812
Bloody Finns don't seem to be taking the bait though. Although there is an Irish pub here and the majority of bar staff are English, so tonight we're going there because it could be a real option for me. I've been there once for a drink and it was quite nice, they even show the Premier League matches! So let's hope for the best, because if I'm working I'll get social security and Finland will treat me like a real person.
Finally, today it's only 0 degrees, and I really was comfortable in that, I must be adapting. On the day I arrived Jussi and I went to get food in market square at 2am, it was the same temperature and I was freaking out. I think when I go back to England and everyone else is in winter coats I'll probably be skipping around in flip flops. I'm very glad the temperature has increased and that I'm more comfortable, last week it was getting extremely painful for me to be outside.
The EHIC card actually is useless here, but the assistant also claims there's not enough time to treat the Finnish patients, let alone the dirty immigrant skanks. She probably didn't use those exact words but whatever. Again they had to check we were in the correct place, and didn't seem to have a clue, no one seems to know what's going on.
As things were so awkward, her only suggestion was to ask my doctor in England to contact a pharmacy in the area and arrange to send a prescription for me directly to them. When we got home Emma called the chemist to find out if this would be acceptable, and they said no. Because my doctor has no license to practice in Finland his prescription would not be legal here, plus they've probably never even seen a British NHS prescription, so how could they possibly know if it was genuine? Someone could have knocked it up on a computer for all they know. I think it's completely understandable from their perspective, even if it's annoying for me. To be honest I'm feeling ok so maybe it's not that important to get the proper medication after all, and I don't think I really need to be taking the contraceptive pill right now...
But really, communication within the health service here seems to be shocking, and none of the staff seem to know what's going on. I cannot possibly be the only person in this country who's ever needed medical attention and didn't have social security, and I'm quite shocked that the provisions for such people are so pathetic. For now I'm not worrying too much, and I guess if things get too bad I can go to the emergency department and cause a big old scene. At least I don't have a problem like diabetes for example, where going without medication could be a disaster. Have I really found a health service worse than the NHS?
I'm still applying for jobs and advertising myself:http://www.finlandforum.org/viewtopic.php?f=37&t=49813 and http://www.finlandforum.org/viewtopic.php?f=37&t=49812
Bloody Finns don't seem to be taking the bait though. Although there is an Irish pub here and the majority of bar staff are English, so tonight we're going there because it could be a real option for me. I've been there once for a drink and it was quite nice, they even show the Premier League matches! So let's hope for the best, because if I'm working I'll get social security and Finland will treat me like a real person.
Finally, today it's only 0 degrees, and I really was comfortable in that, I must be adapting. On the day I arrived Jussi and I went to get food in market square at 2am, it was the same temperature and I was freaking out. I think when I go back to England and everyone else is in winter coats I'll probably be skipping around in flip flops. I'm very glad the temperature has increased and that I'm more comfortable, last week it was getting extremely painful for me to be outside.
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Miserable day
Today's been shit. I feel a rant coming on. It's the first day I've really felt homesick, for my friends and my family. When I got the sim card yesterday I really wanted to call my mum and one particular friend, but it still isn't working now. Jussi gave me his phone to speak to my mum. I haven't lived within 200 miles of her for more than 3 years now, but we usually speak every week or so, so I've missed talking to her. As it's so expensive the phone call was short anyway.
I wish I could meet someone familiar or go somewhere where I know exactly what I'm doing, but everything's alien to me. Jussi's friends have all been very nice to me and made me feel welcome, but they're not MY friends. I completely understand how he felt in England when he wanted to have his own friends, not just rely on mine.
I don't think Jussi realises that going to shops etc still makes me feel quite uncomfortable and I'd appreciate some back up. I don't think he considered how much he would need to help me before we came here. It's hardly as if I want to feel like a child all the time. Of course I want some independence. I do try, but I'm scared and I'm shy. At least when he came to England he could already communicate with everyone; I think he's forgotten what it was like to be in a strange country where everything is new and confusing.
He got a job today, which is great, obviously, but he seems to think I won't be able to cope once he has that taking up so much of his time. Now he's put doubts in my mind, even though I had no concerns beforehand. I'm now trying to make the point to him that I am capable of doing things, even though I'm anxious. I've really been dragged down today; I feel like absolute shit.
I would hate to leave Turku, and I really don't want to quit and be a failure. It seems like no one, including myself, has much faith in my capabilities. I have to go to the police station tomorrow to sort out my social security, and I told Jussi I'd go on my own to prove a point, but I'm absolutely terrified. I'm not even sure what I'm so scared of, apart from the unknown. I don't think that I'm being unreasonable to expect his help in his country. He certainly expected mine in England.
I really hope that things feel different tomorrow, that my sim card works and that I can actually speak to English people. Elisa (the phone network) won't allow you to take out a contract unless you've lived in Finland for at least two years, so Jussi had to do it for me and is lauding the cost of international calls over me a bit. I don't know why it didn't occur to him yesterday that I'd be making international calls - who the hell am I gonna call in Finland? He knows I'll be giving him the money for everything, so surely it's my problem. As I have no money and he's complaining about the phone it's just another thing to wind me up and upset me. I really want tomorrow to be a better day because I'm so miserable and fed up now. This has been the worst day since I got here.
I wish I could meet someone familiar or go somewhere where I know exactly what I'm doing, but everything's alien to me. Jussi's friends have all been very nice to me and made me feel welcome, but they're not MY friends. I completely understand how he felt in England when he wanted to have his own friends, not just rely on mine.
I don't think Jussi realises that going to shops etc still makes me feel quite uncomfortable and I'd appreciate some back up. I don't think he considered how much he would need to help me before we came here. It's hardly as if I want to feel like a child all the time. Of course I want some independence. I do try, but I'm scared and I'm shy. At least when he came to England he could already communicate with everyone; I think he's forgotten what it was like to be in a strange country where everything is new and confusing.
He got a job today, which is great, obviously, but he seems to think I won't be able to cope once he has that taking up so much of his time. Now he's put doubts in my mind, even though I had no concerns beforehand. I'm now trying to make the point to him that I am capable of doing things, even though I'm anxious. I've really been dragged down today; I feel like absolute shit.
I would hate to leave Turku, and I really don't want to quit and be a failure. It seems like no one, including myself, has much faith in my capabilities. I have to go to the police station tomorrow to sort out my social security, and I told Jussi I'd go on my own to prove a point, but I'm absolutely terrified. I'm not even sure what I'm so scared of, apart from the unknown. I don't think that I'm being unreasonable to expect his help in his country. He certainly expected mine in England.
I really hope that things feel different tomorrow, that my sim card works and that I can actually speak to English people. Elisa (the phone network) won't allow you to take out a contract unless you've lived in Finland for at least two years, so Jussi had to do it for me and is lauding the cost of international calls over me a bit. I don't know why it didn't occur to him yesterday that I'd be making international calls - who the hell am I gonna call in Finland? He knows I'll be giving him the money for everything, so surely it's my problem. As I have no money and he's complaining about the phone it's just another thing to wind me up and upset me. I really want tomorrow to be a better day because I'm so miserable and fed up now. This has been the worst day since I got here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)