Recent things

I've been a bit busy for the past few days - I'll explain why further on. Some nice things have been going on recently though.
Last night the dance theatre opposite my house put on a show as you can see from the photo. They'd placed adverts around our building to say that anyone was welcome to attend, but they held the show in the yard between the house and the theatre, so we were watching some of it from the kitchen and my bedroom. It was really nice though - a bit unusual, so that was fun.
A couple of nights ago I also found a new bar to drink in, which really reminded me of traditional English pubs, so that was cool. Actually, I've walked past it numerous times, and I always thought it looked decent, but I'd never gone inside before. I wouldn't mind going back. The interior was very comfortable and homely, it reminded me of local pubs and some Wetherspoons. It was a pleasant surprise.
The reason I've been a bit distracted is that I've met a man! He's lovely, and has restored my faith in Finnish men. They aren't all drunk and idiotic! Until yesterday he's been in Turku, as he lives in Tampere. That explains to you why I went to Tampere in the first place. One of my friends introduced us, and I'm very happy.
I'd also like to thank the universe, in it's wisdom, for suddenly producing someone I really like immediately before I leave the country! That was clever. It seems that nothing in my life can ever go to plan, but right now I don't really care. Love travels oceans and all that.
Now there's less than one month left in Finland, which makes me feel very sad. On the 5th of September my plane leaves from Helsinki. I'm thinking of this as just a temporary absence for me, and hopefully the time will fly by, as it has this year, and then I'll be back. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.
As this experience will soon be coming to an end, I'm planning to contact publishers in both this country and England, in a bid to turn this blog into a book. It has been much more widely read than I ever anticipated, and several people have recommended doing that, so I hope I can be successful.

Happy 6 months anniversary!

Wow. I came to Finland six months ago today. What an exciting, surprising, traumatic, and beautiful six months it's been. It feels so strange, in all this time I've spent only five days in England, and so much has happened and changed.
Six months ago I was unhappy. I'd been ill for several months, and I was in a bad relationship. I came here out of love, and a naive hope that a change of scenery would do us good and save the relationship. It actually had a very different effect. It made me realise the one thing that everyone else already knew - that it wasn't worth saving. My desire to take advantage of new opportunities here, and to not be held back, pushed me to become independent again. So much good has come out of this experience, but if nothing else, that is something to be grateful for. I'm very happy now. I feel like I'm back to being the person I was, and always should have been.
That's obviously the most significant change to my life, but there are others too. I've been living in a new culture for all this time, and that's what has made me happiest. I appreciate my own country more now, and can see it's good points, whereas before I was desperate to get away. I've had to keep an open mind about a lot of things, and I think this kind of experience is very valuable.
I've also met lots of lovely new friends, and I'm sure there are still more to come. I've been given so much kindness and support here, and I'm very lucky to have met a lot of trustworthy, decent people. I wasn't sure how I'd make friends in this place, but I haven't done too badly.
I've found a city that I really like. I think Turku is beautiful, I have a wonderful home here, and I'm so glad that circumstances lead me here, because I doubt I ever would have come here independently. It's quieter than London, but I think I needed that, and much less intimidating than going to a larger foreign city. There's still plenty to keep me occupied, so I think I've hit the right balance for now.
My knowledge of the Finnish language has vastly developed, even if it's still far from fluent. It's a complicated language which takes a long time to master, so I'm quite satisfied with what I've learned so far. When I came here I knew two or three words, now I can have a simple conversation, and say some more complicated sentences. I've learned a lot since coming here.
Six months ago this blog was non-existent. Now it has many readers, a few fans on Facebook, it's allowed me to meet new people, and it keeps growing. It was planned as a way to let my friends in England know what I was up to, but it's become so much bigger than that now. It's been a big surprise.
I've thought about things, and the circumstances in which I came here were all wrong, but I don't think it matters because now things are wonderful. Sometimes I'm sad that I'm not graduating with my friends this summer, and worry that I'll be lonely when I go home, but when I think of all the positive parts of this period of time I'm so glad I'm here, and I think it was worth it. It was an unplanned and plain stupid decision, but it's turned out so well. Sometimes there's a lot to be said for stupidity.

Moving forward

I'm currently looking into finding my own place to live, which would be really nice to have, but it looks like for a few days I'll be staying in a hostel or hotel, because someone (haha guess who) is making things difficult again. I realise a lot of people will think it's ridiculous, and I have questioned why I'm prepared to go through so much hassle to stay here. I'm sure that if my mother knew about all of this she'd be dragging me back to England herself, and I expect a few other people would share the sentiment. I know why I'm doing this. For a long time I've had my entire life controlled by another person, someone who even admits that I deserve better, and yet makes no attempt to change. So although it might be easier to just leave I'm feeling too defiant to do that. Some of my friends would rather I came home, my father has been of that opinion since day one, and a couple of times I've even wondered what the hell I'm thinking. I'm angry, and I'm refusing to let anyone tell me what is best for me. I've had 18 months of being told what was best for me, but it was never my best interests at heart. I'm going to do exactly what I want, even if it's more difficult, expensive, or risky. I just don't care.
Coming here in the first place was a risk, but obviously I had no idea that things would turn out in such an unfortunate way. Now I want to be here, and the fact that a couple of people want me to come home, even though I'm sure their opinions are based on concern for me and nothing else, makes me more determined and defiant. Also, the easiest way is not necessarily the best way. I'd rather be happy, and ending up living with my parents until autumn would not make me happy. I'd be fucking miserable. This is where I want to be, not forever, but for now at least. I came here, and it doesn't matter why, when or how, what matters to me is that I should get something out of this experience. It's a huge opportunity, and why would I give that up to go work a bullshit temporary job in England? There's so much I want to do. I want to conquer this language one way or another, I want to go to Norway to visit one of my friends who's studying in Bergen for a year, I want to go to Muumimaailma, I want to go to Stockholm, I want to see some other places in Finland...there's a lot of things that would be worth staying for.
Someone told me that if they'd had to put up with the crap I've experienced in the past few months they would have run home crying to their mother long ago. This was not said in a disrespectful way - I think they were trying to say that I was strong for getting through it. I don't think that at all, I think I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and that's the only reason why I haven't done the same thing. Being stubborn and determined is the root of this. Why the hell should I give up just because things didn't go exactly to plan? Plus it's about time I got to do something purely for myself, and not allow anyone else's thoughts to sway me. The time to leave is when I feel ready to and I genuinely want to, not when someone else tells me I should. I'm a bit scared, but that doesn't mean I should give up. The inconvenience of it all annoys me, but hell, life is pretty inconvenient at times. I'm used to inconvenience. I don't expect everyone to agree with me on this but I hope that my friends continue to support and encourage me.
I'm sorry, I'm exhausted, angry and I've had too many bottles of ED.

Today's news

I went to work and my boss gave me a bottle of wine as a christmas present. Sweet. Unfortunately, it tastes horrible. If I mix it with Karpalo Lonkero it's much better, and more alcoholic. Anyway, nice one Tatu!
Then I walked home in the snow and when I got back Tommi asked me if I'd got the text he sent me. I looked at my phone and the estate agents offered me the room I wanted in the flat I viewed! Which is a good thing but I'm also quite sad because that means there's no going back when it comes to Jussi. It's the end of an era, and it's difficult to accept. Maybe I need something definitive like that in order to move on. I'm happy but also sad. It would be nice to move out of limbo, but it cements everything, and that's hard to deal with. At least they didn't care about me being foreign, which was a concern for me.
I'm going to start looking for a second job too. This week I only had to work today, and Tatu doesn't think they need me at all next week, and I can't live on only one day's wages per week. We talked about it and he said he would understand if I left the company, but I do enjoy my job and would be happy doing that and another part time job. I hope I won't have to leave Suomen Filateliapalvelu but, like he said, if someone offers me a full time position I ought to take it.

Sad news

Sadly, Jussi and I have split up. I think it's been brewing for a while and we had both reached our limit. Obviously this is very difficult for me, despite everything, and for now I don't really know what the future holds. I would very much like to remain in Turku, so I am applying for jobs and trying to work out what to do now. If anyone knows of any potential work for someone with basic Finnish I would be glad to hear about it. It doesn't have to be glamourous or exciting - I'm realistic about what my options are here, but now my priority is to find a way to stay here. I don't see why I should run back to England just because of this.
No one should worry about me, I am staying with Emma and Tommi, my Finnish äiti ja isä, who are taking very good care of me, and doing far more for me than they have to, and I'm extremely grateful. So I'm safe, comfortable, but maybe not exactly happy.
Today Emma and I have been trying to navigate the healthcare system, which has involved lots of phone calls and lots of confusion. Not having a social security number is a problem, and apparently my EHIC card is not going to help. I understood the purpose of that card to be that I could get healthcare in other countries, but apparently Finland has other ideas... I'm told I can go to my local healthcare centre tomorrow and they'll help me in person, so I'm sure that will be an interesting experience. I'm not blaming Jussi entirely, but it seems he really didn't research this kind of thing before bringing me here, because he made things sound much more straightforward than they actually are. I will manage somehow, and at least I have a genuinely helpful person with me on this.